A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

sahilLawyer Jokes27 Jul, 2011No Comments

A young boy asked is father, “Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?”

The father thought for a moment, “Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!”

sahilLawyer Jokes26 Jul, 2011No Comments

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”

The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”

The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

sahilLawyer Jokes20 Jul, 2011No Comments

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one’s easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That’s a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

sahilLawyer Jokes19 Jul, 2011No Comments

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

“What a ripoff,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

sahilLawyer Jokes16 Jul, 2011No Comments

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

sahilLawyer Jokes14 Jul, 2011No Comments

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. “I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.”

sahilLawyer Jokes12 Jul, 2011No Comments

Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:
The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”

“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized.”

The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.”

“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.”

sahilLawyer Jokes11 Jul, 2011No Comments

A young lawyer defending a wealthy businessman in a complex lawsuit feared that the evidence was against his client. So he asked the senior partner of the law firm whether it would be appropriate to send the judge in the case a box of expensive cigars.

The partner was appalled by the suggestion. “The judge is an honourable man, and I can guarantee that if you do that, you will lose the case.”

Six weeks later, the judge ruled in favour of the lawyer’s client. Congratulating his colleague, the senior partner said: “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”

“But I did send them. I just enclosed the plaintiff’s lawyer’s business card!”

sahilLawyer Jokes22 Jun, 2011No Comments

A man was walking along the street when he noticed a bottle lying in the gutter. He picked up the bottle and decided to rub it for good luck. To his amazement, a genie appeared.

“I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “but I must warn you, there is a catch. For each wish I grant, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you ask for. Do you understand?”

“I think so,” said the man.

“Right,” said the genie. “What is your first wish?”

“My first wish,” replied the man, “is for a Rolls-Royce. I’ve always wanted a Rolls-Royce.”

“Then you shall have a Rolls-Royce,” answered the genie, “and all the lawyers in the world will be given two Rolls-Royces. Now what is your second wish?”

“I could use a million dollars,” said the man.

“Very well,” said the genie. “You shall have a million dollars. But you do realise that means that every lawyer in the world will become two million dollars richer? Now what is your third wish?”

The man thought for a moment. “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

sahilLawyer Jokes21 Jun, 2011No Comments