On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It’s not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I’m in a bad mood?”

– Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star

On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I’d rather not talk about money. It’s kind of gross.”

– Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces

On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”

– Donna Summer, disco singer

On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.”

– New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest

On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”

– Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage

On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it’s a dramatic film you act in the drama.”– Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”

On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”

– Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig

On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It’s a very good historical book about history.” — former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson’s Modern Times

On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don’t know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”

– former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate

On Earth, Where Found:“ [It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

– former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.

sahilSports Jokes8 Oct, 2008No Comments

If somebody accuses you of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.

sahilRedneck Jokes8 Oct, 2008No Comments

What did the blonde say to the rock n’ roller?

”How awesome is Britney Spears?!!!”

sahilBlonde Jokes8 Oct, 2008No Comments

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the side of the bar. He orders a shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and says, ”I’m sorry if my appearance is making you feel ill.” The man replies, ”No, it’s not you, it’s the man sitting next to you dipping his chip in your neck.”

sahilBar Jokes8 Oct, 2008No Comments

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

“That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it,” said the proprietor.

“Thanks, but I’ll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.” He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.

“Ah-ha!” said the proprietor. “You’ve come back for the story, right?”

“Nope,” said the man. “You have any brass lawyers?”

sahilAnimal Jokes8 Oct, 2008No Comments

POST GAME DISCUSSION

Two Rams fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other, “You know, the Patriots might have won the Super Bowl, but their fans are such a**holes!”

A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said, “I find that statement offensive!”

One of the Rams fans replied, “Oh, you must be a Patriots fan.”

“No,” the man said, “I’m an a**hole!”

sahilSports Jokes7 Oct, 2008No Comments

40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.

39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won’t fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can’t feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

30. Wrasslin’s fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We’re vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

24. Who’s Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

05. I don’t have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

sahilRedneck Jokes7 Oct, 2008No Comments

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, “I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in.”

sahilBlonde Jokes7 Oct, 2008No Comments

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver’s rear-view mirror. ”Don’t worry!” says the driver to his friend, ”Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we’ll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!”

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ”Have you been drinking?” he asks them.

”Oh no Sir,” replies the driver.

”I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

”Oh, no sir,” the drunk answers. ”We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

”Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, ”What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

”That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. ”You see, we’re both alchoholics, and we’re on the patch!”

sahilBar Jokes7 Oct, 2008No Comments

Why did the turtle Cross the road?

To get to the ”Shell” station!

sahilAnimal Jokes7 Oct, 2008No Comments