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Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer fumbles in his bag, picks out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief conversation.

“Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one’s finger on the pulse and all that.” His companions murmur acknowledgment.

On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says “excuse me”, places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth, and has an intense conversation. He turns back to the bewildered group.

“Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast,” he says “I’ve got a microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It’s really convenient.”

They play on for a few more holes, at which point there is a loud ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, snaps to attention. “Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen.” He snaps back to normal.

“This is really the state of art,” he tells his playing partners. “I have the microphone grafted into my lower lip, and the receiver grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telephone is to straighten my neck.” Everyone is impressed.

Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese businessman drops his clubs, blurts “so sorry” and runs into the bushes. Everyone waits.

After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He finds Mr. Tanaka squatting, trousers around his ankles, eyes closed and grimacing. “You okay, Tanaka-san?” he asks.

“Everything is fine,” Mr. Tanaka replies. “Just awaiting fax from home office.”

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at th

Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
More leg-room!

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, 揚ay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free Beer.?

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry, and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, ” How did you do it?”

The guy answers, ” To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him”

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they’d break.

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, ‘What man Out there will buy a lady a drink?’

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, ‘Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a Drink.’

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy Armpit, saying,

‘What man out there will buy a lady a drink?’

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, ‘Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.’

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, ‘It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’

To which, the drunken replies, ‘Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot’s name is and the clerk tells him its Chat. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings 揓ingle Bells,?and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings, 揇eck the Halls.?
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he’s ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing 揅hat抯 nuts roasting over an open fire….?