“Alright honey,” he says, “Give me a play you want me to run.”

“How about foreplay?” his wife replies.

“What’s the foreplay?” says Doug.

“You know,” the wife says, “It happens before the two minute warning.”

“I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.”

“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!”

“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”

The man says, “This isn’t just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I’ll show you.” He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, Then says, “This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time.”

So, the bartender says “47 seconds? The man says, “OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!” The alligator opens its mouth Wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, “To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I’m going to lay my Dick in his mouth. But, just for safety’s sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on.” The man does so, and when the Bartender starts saying “45…46…47.” right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator’s mouth snaps Shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, “Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?”

And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, “You there!! You’re a real man! You’re brave enough to try this??!”

To which the other man says, “Yet, but I don’t think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds.”

What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger’s neck and acks as a giant choke chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion, which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, outside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. Wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away, generally does this. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you!

She says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martini, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and put a pickle in it.” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martini, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got artburn, ”

You have your left tit in the Ashtray!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”