A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

This man walks into a restaurant, sits down and has a look at the menu. After a while a waiter comes over and asks what his order will be. For his starter he orders crumbed mushrooms and tells the waiter he doesn’t want it too hot or too cold but “IN SEE GROOVE BABY”.

He does the same for his main meal and his desert again stressing that it must not be to hot or to cold but “IN SEE GROOVE BABY”.

Now the chef is completely fed up so he goes into the restaurant and shouts who the hell is making these orders, the man cautiously lifts up his hand. And the chef replies, “well I got an order for you. YOU CAN KISS ME ON MY ASS NOT ON MY LEFT CHEEK NOT ON MY RIGHT CHEEK BUT IN SEE GROOVE BABY”.

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else.

The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem.

Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else.

The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem.

Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. “It’s not for sale,” said the proprietor.

“Look,” said the collector, “that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I’m eccentric. I like cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

“For that sum I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the connoisseur. “The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.” “Nothing doing,” said the proprietor firmly.

“That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 34 cats.”

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can’t even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

A guy went to apply for a job with the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he was a veteran. The guy said “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”

Then the interviewer asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy responded, “Well, I stepped on a landmine over there and blew my testicles off.”

“Great!” the interviewer responded. “We give disabled vets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”

“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?” asked the guy.

“Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10. All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway.”

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman’s cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. “Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex.”

The coroner said, “Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?”

The electrician replied, “I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go!’ ”

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes”.

adminWork Place Jokes25 Oct, 2005No Comments