You’re so stupid that when police tell you you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.
Oct
25
admin
25 Oct, 2005
Oct
25
A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, “I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live”.
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, “Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?”
The doctor thinks for a moment. “There is one thing that you could do”.
“Just name it, I””ll do whatever it is”. He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.
The man looks at his doctor asks, “Will that help my condition”?
The doctor says, “No, but it will get you used to the dirt.”
Oct
25
A fat man sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (212) 555-DIET” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Twenty pounds,” he replies. “We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator. About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 20 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds.” “We’ll send someone over.” The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 50 pounds! That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 100 pounds!” “Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.” The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!” About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
Oct
25
Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
“HURRY, HURRY, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”
Oct
25
A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, “I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help.”
Time passes, and the Pope says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in ‘unt’?”
The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn’t say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, “I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”
The Pope replies, “Oh, you’re right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?”
Oct
25
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
Oct
25
One day a boy came home from school and his mother asked, ”What did you do today, son?” The boy replied, ”I learned a lot in Sex Education class.” The mother, thinking this to be a dirty joke, yelled at him and sent him to his room. Later that day, the daughter comes home and the mother says to her, ”You’ll never guess what! Your brother told me he learned a lot in Sex Education class! I sent him to his room!” ”Mom,” the girl said, ”he really does go to a sex education class. He wasn’t lying” The mother, feeling very bady about the mixup, goes to the boy’s room to apologize. She opens the door to find him masturbating and she says, ”When you are done with your homework, come out here, we have to talk.”
Oct
25
Yo mama’s so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.
Oct
25
Oct
25
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.