The Top Signs You’re In A Bad Nursing Home
Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.
Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
Its named Matlock Manor.
No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.
Rectal thermometers made of wood.
Two words: Community Bedpan.
The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station
Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can’t Eat Just One!
Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
When the NASA camera is off, dance around to “Blue Jean” by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
Don’t move, don’t touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA’s computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
Watch All of Pauly Shore’s movies…try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.
The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.
Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.
Tells you that its Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.
Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.
Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.
Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
The Top Signs You’re Out of Shape
You’ve ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
People at work only refer to you by saying “Hey fatso!”
You’ve thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin’ To The Oldies.
You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers “Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby”
The Top Signs That You’ve Hired A Bad Private Eye
Considers reading “The Hardy Boys Mysteries” actually helpful reasearch.
He has a pet basset hound named “Flash” that acts as his trusty assistant.
His best disguise is wearing a hat.
Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
Won’t read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from “Murder She Wrote” when he thinks he’s caught the suspect.
Well, he’s blind.
The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding
“This is my tryout for Nascar.”
“I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.”
“That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!”
“I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.”
“Cause those Gorditas rule.”
“Uh-Oh..Wapner’s on…I’m an excellent driver.”
“Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go.”
“Umm..I’m drunk?”
“Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette “Uninvited” song!”
The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job
You’re introduced to everyone as “The Minesweeper God”.
You have visited every website in the world.
You’re the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
You’re able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
Your doctor says that he’s never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
You’ve seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.
The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime
Inspector Gadget
Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons
Captain America On Line
The Wonder Barbi Twins
The Silver Surfer
The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn)
Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a “Nets”cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!
DBase Ventura
Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!)
Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???
Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
Geez, what died in here?
He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
Nice service…where’s the keg?
When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.
Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
The Top 10 Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking
While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.
You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.
Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”
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20 Oct, 2005