Dumb California Laws
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Bathhouses are against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”
Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.
Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach
Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
Los Angeles
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
You may not hunt moths under a street light.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Toads may not be licked.
It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
Zoot suits are prohibited.
Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.
San Diego
It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
San Francisco
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
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A short story…
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.

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Californians
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, “What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn’t believe this and said “What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, “In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said “Why in the hell did you do that?”

The Nevadan replied, “Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel.”

Dumb Arizona Laws
Hunting camels is prohibited.

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Glendale
Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Globe
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Hayden
If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

Maricopa County
No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa
It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

Mohave County
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales
An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Prescott
No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

Tucson
Women may not wear pants.

Tombstone
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

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Ode to Arizona
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear –
The climate suited them well.

Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.

Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

‘Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.

“By Golly,” he finally panted
“I did my job too well.
I’m going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!”

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You know you’re in Arizona when …

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

*You can make instant sun tea.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

You Know You’re In Alaska When…

. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

. . .there is only one shopping plaza in town.

. . .the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

. . .the major parish fundraiser isn’t bingo - its sausage making.

. . .you find -60c a might chilly.

. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.

. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.

. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

Alabama Dumb Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Incestous marriages are legal.

Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.

Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

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An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “Bout what?”
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

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Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned down?
A: Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

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A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.

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Q: What’s the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10

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Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?” “Jus’ some chickens.” “If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?” “Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.” “OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”

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Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.

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An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!”

“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”

“Say, don’t you still have them big red trucks?”

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Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

A: ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

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Are ya Chicken?
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.

The bartender says, “Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I’m from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s 6-4 and weighs 250 and he’s from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He’s 6-6 and weighs 280 and he’s from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?”

The guy says, “Nah.”

To which the bartender smiles and says, “What’s the matter? Are ya chicken?”

The guy says, “Nah. I just don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

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Elevator
A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they’re walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.

The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, “Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!”

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Kindergarten
Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!”

His Paw replied “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!”

His Paw replied, “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day, he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that’s cuz Ah’m from Bama, huh Paw?”

His Paw replied, “No son, that’s cuz yer 17 years old.”

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Rabid Dog
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar, and twists, breaking the dog’s neck and killing him instantly.

A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “That was the most incredible act of bravery I’ve ever seen!” the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: “Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!”

The little hero sees this and says, “But sir, I’m not a Bama Fan, I’m an Auburn Fan!”

The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: “Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet”

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Question ans answer
Q. Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
A. To Tuscaloosa…he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!

Q. What’s the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles

A man walks into a store says to the clerk, “I’d like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes.” The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, “You must be an Alabama fan!” The man proclaims with pride, “How could you tell, was it the color scheme!” The clerk looks at him and says “No, this is a hardware store.”

Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?

Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.

Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.

Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
A. Visitor.

Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn’t!

Q. What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
A. Don’t let the door knob hit you in the head!

It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University’s response was “Why do we need another phone company?”

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Shug’s House
After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.

“This is your house, coach,” God says happily.”Most people don’t get their own houses up here.”

Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Auburn flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Auburn banner hangs between the marble columns.

“Thanks for the house, God,” Bear says. “But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Shug gets a mansion with Auburn banners and AU flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, “Bear, that’s not Shug’s house. That’s mine.”

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Quarters!
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.

The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, “Wow, where did you win all that?”

To which the Auburn fan replies, “You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!”

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Question and Answer
Q. Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
A. 3 dollars a year for a million years.

Q. What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a house trailer.

Q. Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A. Nobody admitted 17 and under.

Q. What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.

Q. A new law was passed in Alabama recently.
A. When a couple gets a divorce, they’re still brother and sister.

Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.

“If I guess how many there are, can I have one?”

“I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm……, five?”

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”

“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”

“Say, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. “Want to go in the back seat?” she asked.

“No,” he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

“No,” he said again, “I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.”

Q. Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Alabama burned down?
A. Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!

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No Driver
Several years ago the city of Birmingham decided to lease several English style double decker buses to transport the Auburn and Alabama fans to the Iron bowl. On this bus, the Auburn fans were on the bottom level and the Alabama fans were on the top deck. as we started off to the stadium, all of the Auburn fans were making a lot of noise yelling “War Eagle” and having a good time. We noticed that the Alabama fans were quiet. Not a sound was coming from the upper deck.

I decided to go up top and see what was wrong. As I arrived up top , I noticed that all of the Alabama fans had their hands clasped on the rail in front of them and they all were white as a sheet. I was stunned. I asked them why they all were so frightened?

They replied with fear in their eyes, “WE DON’T HAVE A DRIVER.”

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Question and Answer
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!

Q. How did the Alabama student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!

Q. Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
A. He missed!

Mom: Only 2 more minutes until 1998.
Dad: I’m going to bed.
Son: But Dad, you’re going to miss the ball drop….
Dad: Hey Son, I’ve seen it plenty of times..I’m an Alabama fan you know!!

Q. What is the one thing that keeps so many Alabama football players from graduating?
A. CLASSWORK!

Q. Did you hear about the Alabama fan who froze to death?
A. He went to the drive in…He sat through “Closed for the season”!!

Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!

Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, “I’m cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights.”

Q. What’s the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

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Stupid Rednecks!
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.

Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him “When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the dang radio to work.”

The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.

He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old Willie Nelson started singing. “Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. “Easy listening,” he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.

Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. “Stupid rednecks!” he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, “TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!”

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You’re probably an Auburn fan if …
… You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.

… Your wife’s idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.

… The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, “What’s that smell?”

… You’re a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.

… You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.

… You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.

… You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!

… You won’t buy a Japanese car because you’re afraid you won’t understand what they say on the radio.

… Your kids go to a private school and they won’t tell you where it is.

… Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin’ contests.

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Length vs. Height
Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.

An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.

The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out ” We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot”

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Question ans answer
Q. What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
A. The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.

Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, “Look! A dead bird.”
The other one looks up into the sky and says, “Where?”

Q. Do you know the difference between an Auburn fan getting run over by a car and an Alabama fan?
A. There are skid marks in front of the Bama fan!!

Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track.
One says, “Darn! These stairs are killin’ me!”
The other says, “It’s ain’t the stairs I can’t stand, it’s the low handrails!”

Q. What’s a seven course meal at Auburn?
A. A possum and a six-pack.

Q. Do you know why Terry Bowden was fired?
A. He was too short to step down.

An Alabama offensive lineman who doesn’t hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why?
Answer: Santa Claus - the other two aren’t real!

Q. What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A. Please open other end.

This year’s Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.

Q. How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
A. Put a goal post in it.

Q. How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a roomfull to sit around and talk about how the BEAR would have done it.

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Doughnut Seeds
An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.

The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.

The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.

The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, “Nothing. I’ve just never seen doughnut seeds before!”

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Firing Squad
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.

First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, “Ready, aim….”

The Bama alum yells “Sandstorm!” and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.

The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said “Ready, aim…..”;

The Tennesseean shouted ” Tornado!!!!”. All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.

The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted “Ready, aim….”

The Aubie shouted “FIRE!”
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Can’t Get Out!
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.

As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, “We’re tryin’ to get out, but we can’t get the dang tailgate open!”

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Brains
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled “New York Football Player Brains” , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.

The clerk replies, “Well, we’ve got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Alabama football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce.”

The man says, “Why the big difference in price?”

The clerk answers,”Do you know how many Alabama football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!”