Andrew came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Justin, noticed his condition and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, “Oh, nothing, really. It’s just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.”
Justin remarked, “Gee, I never even knew that you played hockey.”
“No, Justin, I don’t,” replied Andy. “I hurt my leg last year when I lost $500 on the Stanley Cup play-offs - I put my foot through the television set.”
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok.” She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
“I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” exclaims the woman.
Dennis Rodman replies, “It’s cool baby. In a minute it’s going to say ‘ADIDAS.’”
Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
George looks like golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. “You look like a golfer. Are you any good?”
George replies, “Absolutely…. I got here in TWO, didn’t I?”
With the advent of Spring in the US, a lot of avid fishermen are already out there trying their luck. My sister-in-law’s husband is probably one of the most rabid around. Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge I asked him if they were biting. He replied, “Were they? I had to lie down in the boat just to bait my hook!”
Manager: “I’m sorry. Sir, we have no time opened on the course today.”
Golfer: “Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I’m sure you’d find a starting time for them.”
Manager: “Of course we would, sir.”
Golfer: “Well, I happen to know they’re not coming, so we’ll take their time.”
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, ‘Sure.’ About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he’s a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, ‘No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.’ So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, ‘WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?’ The hit man replies, ‘Sure.’ So Jack looks and says, ‘YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife. Wait, there’s my next door neighbor! And he’s naked too!’ This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, ‘I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.’ Jack responds, ‘$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.’ The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, ‘What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, ‘Relax….. I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!’
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: “Oh thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”
sahil
7 Jun, 2008