Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdome?
While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
Oct
14
sahil
14 Oct, 2008
Oct
13
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”
The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.”
He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”
Oct
12
What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
Islands In The Stream.
Oct
11
Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow that when she smiled at a NASCAR race, all the drivers stopped because they thought it was a caution sign.
Oct
10
13> “None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.”
12> “Tampax! Get your Tampax here!”
11> “Hey, shut up! I can’t hear the race!”
10> “Sex with your sister!? Man, that’s sick.”
9> “My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!”
8> “Hey, you with the large breasts — out of the way! We’re trying to watch a race here!”
7> “Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.”
6> “What a coincidence, Hank — all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!”
5> “These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!”
4> “Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at ‘Depends’ understand you’re looking for a new corporate sponsor…”
3> “Whew! No more beer for me, fellas…”
2> “Filling in for Dale ‘The Intimidator’ Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael ‘Lord of the Dance’ Flatley.”
1> “…and now, singing our national anthem — international recording artist Boy George!”
Oct
8
On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It’s not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I’m in a bad mood?”
– Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star
On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I’d rather not talk about money. It’s kind of gross.”
– Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces
On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”
– Donna Summer, disco singer
On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.”
– New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest
On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”
– Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage
On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it’s a dramatic film you act in the drama.”– Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”
On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”
– Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig
On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It’s a very good historical book about history.” — former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson’s Modern Times
On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don’t know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
– former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate
On Earth, Where Found:“ [It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
– former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.
Oct
7
POST GAME DISCUSSION
Two Rams fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other, “You know, the Patriots might have won the Super Bowl, but their fans are such a**holes!”
A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said, “I find that statement offensive!”
One of the Rams fans replied, “Oh, you must be a Patriots fan.”
“No,” the man said, “I’m an a**hole!”
Oct
6
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.
At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.
At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.
When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, “Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!”
Oct
5
If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.
Oct
4
One sportsman goes up to a non-athletic man and says, “If you aren’t into sports, then you are gay.”
The non-athletic man responds, “Okay, riddle me this, riddle me that, if you’re into sports, then you are into slapping each others asses?”