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“I caught a twenty pound salmon last week.”

“Were there any witnesses?”

“There sure were. If there weren’t, it would have been forty pounds.”

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

“Alright honey,” he says, “Give me a play you want me to run.”

“How about foreplay?” his wife replies.

“What’s the foreplay?” says Doug.

“You know,” the wife says, “It happens before the two minute warning.”

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you!

Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer fumbles in his bag, picks out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief conversation.

“Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one’s finger on the pulse and all that.” His companions murmur acknowledgment.

On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says “excuse me”, places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth, and has an intense conversation. He turns back to the bewildered group.

“Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast,” he says “I’ve got a microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It’s really convenient.”

They play on for a few more holes, at which point there is a loud ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, snaps to attention. “Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen.” He snaps back to normal.

“This is really the state of art,” he tells his playing partners. “I have the microphone grafted into my lower lip, and the receiver grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telephone is to straighten my neck.” Everyone is impressed.

Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese businessman drops his clubs, blurts “so sorry” and runs into the bushes. Everyone waits.

After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He finds Mr. Tanaka squatting, trousers around his ankles, eyes closed and grimacing. “You okay, Tanaka-san?” he asks.

“Everything is fine,” Mr. Tanaka replies. “Just awaiting fax from home office.”

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“You’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Did you see where it went?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn’t find anyone to go with him. As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along.

The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey. When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree. The other man went off to his stand, and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.

A few hours had passed, so the man went back to check on the drunk. As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk. The man yells at the drunk, “I told you to keep it quiet!”

The drunk explains, “I know, I know… but when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn’t make any noise. Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn’t take it any longer when that damn squirrel came back for my second nut!”

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

Q. Why couldn’t the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?A. She got her finger caught in a dike!

Their was a mommy tomato a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. The baby was falling behide and the mommy bumped the daddy tomato and he fell right back on the baby and said,”Ketchup!”