Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can’t get your jeans over your thighs.
Aug
10
sahil
10 Aug, 2008
Aug
9
What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.
Aug
8
Professor Pollen went into the men’s room on the train and found it crowded with other men. When he came out ten minutes later, his wife said,”Darling, you’ve still got whiskers. Why didn’t you shave?” “Oh, dear! I thought I did,” he said. “But there were six of us using the same mirror, so I must have shaved the guy standing next to me!”
Aug
5
The teacher asked kids to bring something belonging to their grandparents to the school.- Masha, a cap? Very good.- Grisha, a badge? Great!- Vovochka, an oxygen pillow? Did your grandma allow you to take it? What did she say?- She said: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…”
Aug
4
In a class, a teacher showed the students a brick and said,”Now everybody will tell me what you think about when you see this brick.”"I think of our heroic toilers who build communism using such bricks,” one student said.”Good. Now you, Sveta.”"I think about our heroic forefathers who used such bricks as a weapon when they fought on barricades during the Revolution.”"Very good. Now you, Peter.”"I think of a cunt.”"And why, permit me to ask, are you thinking of such a thing when I specifically showed you this brick?”"I just always think of it.”
Aug
2
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand. “What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?” ”Well, I guess you’d just have to use your other hand to write with.”
Aug
1
The student*not necessarily a well-prepared student*sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk. “What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best. 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can’t steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. Um. So far so good…maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again,what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.
Jul
5
“Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.” “If this doesn’t work, beat the shark with your stump.”
Jul
4
scientists Decode the First Message From an AlienCivilization…Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to theStar System at the top of the list, cross off that starsystem, then put your Star System at the bottom of thelist and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Withinone-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receiveenough hydrogen to power your civilization untilentropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Jul
3
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don’t emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a whitewick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold apencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn blackbecause it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can’t handle allof the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. Whenthe dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced beforethe portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from thismass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating darksucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in thesolid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount ofheat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark isalso heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it getsslowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fiftyfeet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks tothe bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. Theimmense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collectthe dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it throughturbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where itmay be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to getdark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized thisproblem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling inthe same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as notto stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were tostand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowlyopen the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, butsince the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave thecloset. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our livesmuch easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember thatit is indeed a dark sucker.Author Unknown