Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do *you* know, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that drunken Nun again is it?”

sahilReligious Jokes23 Apr, 2008No Comments

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man’ ‘Well I’ll be darned’ the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. ‘I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

sahilReligious Jokes22 Apr, 2008No Comments

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

sahilReligious Jokes21 Apr, 2008No Comments

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

sahilReligious Jokes20 Apr, 2008No Comments

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?

A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north.

Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description “up where the sun don’t shine”, which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

sahilReligious Jokes31 Mar, 2008No Comments

God created Woman and she had 3 breasts.

He then asked the woman, “Is there anything you’d like to have changed?”

She replied, “Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?”

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?”

And God created Man.

sahilReligious Jokes29 Mar, 2008No Comments

A traveling salesman from New York was traveling through Georgia around Christmas time and stopped at a convenience store next to a church.

He told the lady cashier that the nativity scene next door was really beautiful but he couldn’t understand why the three wise men had firemens helmets on.

The lady said “that’s the trouble with you yankees, you never read your Bibles or you would know.”

He said “maam, I have read my Bible through three times and I have never seen anything to explain this.”

She said, ” I will show you” and opened up her bible. ” It says right here that the three wise men came from a “far”.

sahilReligious Jokes25 Mar, 2008No Comments

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.

As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, “Why so glum?”

The guy responded, “What do you think? I’m in hell!”

“Hell’s not so bad,” the demon said.

“We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”

“Sure,” the man said, “I love to drink.”

“Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then.

On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.

We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”

The guy is astounded “Damn, that sounds great.”

“You a smoker?” the demon asked.

“You better believe it!”

“You’re gonna love Tuesdays.

We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out!

If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?”

“Wow, the guy said, “that’s awesome!”

The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”

“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.

Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you’re dead anyhow.

You into drugs?”

The guy said, “Are you kidding?

I love drugs! You don’t mean . . ”

“That’s right! Thursday is drug day.

Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine.

You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!”

“Wow,” the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!”

The demon said, “You gay?”

“No.”

“Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!”

sahilReligious Jokes21 Mar, 2008No Comments

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.

Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy’s grades were straight A’s, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.

“Oh, it’s all right, I guess,” he replies.

“They must be teaching you some new tricks!”

“Not really.”

“Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?”

“Well”, he says, “as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!”

sahilReligious Jokes20 Mar, 2008No Comments

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

sahilReligious Jokes19 Mar, 2008No Comments