jokesdot.com

Why do men have holes at the end of their penises?

So oxygen can get to their brains.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

10) Cats’ facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beatyour best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale evermade.

1) Other women.

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend -

“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.

He yelss - “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere …

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “menage a trois”

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it’s not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don’t remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren’t getting any…

Two groups, one composed of women and the second of men, were once set up to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender - like ships which are addressed as ’she ‘ and ‘he’- or the masculine gender. They were asked four reasons for their recommendations.

The men reported that computers be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal login.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women, on the other hand concluded that the computers be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like. The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs $30,000.00.”

The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”

The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. — A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. — What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. — You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner”.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. — Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. — You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus…breathe….push….”

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. — An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. — A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M’s.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. — The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. — To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. — What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. — Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician”.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. — Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. — On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. — Before children, a verb meaning “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. — The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also “tranquilizers”.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. — A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. — Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl!”

“Honey, I have a confession to make,” a guy told his bride. “I’m a golf nut. You’ll never see me on weekends during golf season.”

“Well, dear,” she murmured. “I have a confession to make too. I’m a hooker.”

“No big deal,” replied the groom. “Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!”