Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.

Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.

Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.

Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same.

The officer walked up to the truck and asked, “Have you had anything to drink tonight?”. Frank replied, “No sir. Not a drop.”

The officer looked confused and said, “You sure?” “Yep”, said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, “Then what’s that on yall’s forehead?”

Frank said calmly, “We’re alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch.”

sahilRedneck Jokes11 Jul, 2008No Comments

Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak’s Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

sahilRedneck Jokes25 Apr, 2008No Comments

You might be a reneck if…

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get

Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

sahilRedneck Jokes12 Apr, 2008No Comments

You might be a reneck if…

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You’ve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.

You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

sahilRedneck Jokes11 Apr, 2008No Comments

You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if…….

* If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8’s and cinderblocks.
* Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
* Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
* Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
* Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
* Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
* Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
* Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
* Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
* Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
* Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
* Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
* Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
* Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
* Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
* Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
* Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
* When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
* Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
* Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
* Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
* Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
* When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
* Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
* Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
* Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
* Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
* Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
* Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
* Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
* Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
* Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
* Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
* Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
* Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
* Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
* Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
* Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
* Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
* Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
* Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
* Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
* Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
* Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
* Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
* Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
* Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
* Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
* Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
* Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
* Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
* Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
* You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.

sahilRedneck Jokes18 Feb, 2008No Comments

Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth

sahilRedneck Jokes17 Feb, 2008No Comments

Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue,
And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin’ in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s, and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!

And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me, back in ‘74.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles, and stick ‘em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.

Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant, upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old, like a ‘57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together; like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; “That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It’s a new trollin’ motor!

sahilRedneck Jokes16 Feb, 2008No Comments

Artery The study of paintings.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Darn near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose Near by.

sahilRedneck Jokes15 Feb, 2008No Comments

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear

sahilRedneck Jokes14 Feb, 2008No Comments

A redneck from Arkansas needed to borrow $500 so he went to the bank for a loan.

The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”

“Take jewelry to city and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the redneck was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay,” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put it in the trailer.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“Don’t know deposit.”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The redneck leaned across the desk and asked, “What you got for collateral?”

sahilRedneck Jokes13 Feb, 2008No Comments