Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer!
Sep
13
sahil
13 Sep, 2011
Sep
11
Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey,” says the lone hunter, “I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, “Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yep,” the other added, “but we’re gittin’ further away from the truck….”
Sep
11
A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,
“Afternoon sir”, the ranger says, “You got an Alabama duck hunting license”?
“Yes I do”, the redneck replies.
The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it’s bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, “Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?”
“Yes I do sir” , the redneck says,
So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, “well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?”
“Yes I do sir” the good ole boys says.
“Well dang son where you from?” the ranger says.
The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:
“Well you tell me buddy!”
Sep
9
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
Sep
9
The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was “TIMBUKTU”. The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem: Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem: Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.
Sep
6
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson’s Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following
children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
Jun
15
One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, “If it doesn’t work come back again tomorrow”.
The guy went back to the doctor and said “The cream you gave me didn’t work”!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said “If that doesn’t work come back again tomorrow”.
So the next day the guy cam back and said “This stuff you gave doesn’t work either”.
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said “If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow”.
The next day the guy came back and said “The cream you gave me worked what was it?”
So the doc. said “Nothing special… It was just lip-stick remover”.
Jan
18
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders’95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders’95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
11. Winders’95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. New Shutdown wav: Y’all come back now, Yah hear?
13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”
14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill’s a billionaire…
18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Oct
7
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’ ?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
Oct
7
Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, “I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this crap.” The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.
The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.
They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, “Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?”