There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

sahilMedical Jokes8 Feb, 2008No Comments

We’ve all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the…. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers… “Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.” If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press….no one will answer any way.

sahilMedical Jokes7 Feb, 2008No Comments

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

adminMedical Jokes1 May, 2007No Comments

A woman comes home from her visit to the gynocologist only to find her husband drinking beer in his lounge chair and watching baseball on T.V. He says to her sarcastically “So what did you do today?” She replied, “I’ll have you know that I went to my Doctor today, and he told me that I had the breasts of an 18 year-old.” “Oh yeah, well what did he say about your big ass?” he shot back. “He didn’t ask about you!”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor “We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?”

The doctor replied, “I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else.”

The couple said, “No, No, we trust you.”

After watching them make love, the doctor said, “You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions.”

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, “You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?”

The man replied, “No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, “I’ll take door #3!” “Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible,” exclaimed Saint Peter. “That’s NURSES’ Hell!”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.

“Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.”

“Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins.”

“Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.”

“Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Joyce from jim today.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

“Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.”

“Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

“My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie’s is brusted and sticking in his Gum’s.”

“Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”

“My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.”

“Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.”

“Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father’s fault.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”

“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”

“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

Pharmacist handing prescription to customer: “Take one of these every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments