A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, “I’ll take door #3!” “Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible,” exclaimed Saint Peter. “That’s NURSES’ Hell!”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.

“Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.”

“Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins.”

“Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.”

“Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Joyce from jim today.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

“Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.”

“Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

“My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie’s is brusted and sticking in his Gum’s.”

“Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”

“My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.”

“Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.”

“Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father’s fault.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”

“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”

“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

Pharmacist handing prescription to customer: “Take one of these every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

“Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. “Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?”

“I would be half blind of course,” Patty answered without much thought.

“What would happen if I poked out the other eye?”

“I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. “Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?”

“I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. “Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”

“I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, “I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!” The other guy looked at him and declared, “I did not!”

adminMedical Jokes10 Apr, 2007No Comments

Once there was a woman that just couldn’t reach an orgaism. She tried everything, from washing machines to dildos, Viberators, group sex and porn, but nothing seemed to work. So she went to doctor and told the doctor about it…the doctor then asked her “have you tried washing machines or vibarators?” she said “yes sir” then the doctor asked “how about group sex? or adult videos?” The woman that cried back “YES DOC, I’ve tried everything but nothing seems to work….DOES THIS MEAN I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET OFF AGAIN?!?!?!” The doctor than replied, “not nesscarily my dear, there is one last resort.” Then he leaves the room for a minute and comes back in with a 9 inches dick-shaped object. He then says to the woman, “this is the voodoo dick. just say ’voodoo dick my pussy’, and it will go right inside you, and SHIFT back and forth…I promise you this will give you the best orgaism you ever had.” so the woman says “voodoo dick my pussy” and the object then magically flys right inside her. It manages to work, and she gets an orgaism. She thanks the doctor, pays, and leaves. but on her way to the car she didn’t know how to get in out of her, so it keeps shifting and shifting…So she goes on the road so she can get home, but it keeps shifting inside her when she’s driving, having to orgaism of her life, yet she doesn’t want to get pulled over. However she gets pulled over by a bike cop…the cop looks her straight in the eye and he says “you were going 116 miles an hour. mind telling me why you’re in such a hurry?” So the woman explains to the cop about the voodoo dick.” And the cop says back to her “voodoo dick My Ass”

adminMedical Jokes19 Oct, 2005No Comments

One day a girl goes to the doctor and says ” I got a rash on my breast can you look at it?” He says ” yes. but you have to take your clothes off to let me see it. So she goes into another room than comes out and says ” were do I put my clothes?’’ The doctor says ” right there next to mine!!!”

adminMedical Jokes19 Oct, 2005No Comments