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A CASE OF THE SHINGLES

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist
asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address,
medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a
seat.”
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him
what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical
history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the
examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “I got shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I
just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles
anywhere.”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want
them?”
*******
Done

Oprectomy

Oprectomy KENMORE HOSPITAL 61 COMMONWEALTH AVE. BOSTON, MA. 02115 DATE:____________NAME:ADDRESS:Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of thisextremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connectsyour eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shittyoutlook on life. Sincerely, J. Grabber, M.D. Kenmore Hospital

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

Did you ever have this before?

Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again!

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A man walks in to a doctors office…

A man walks in to a doctors office and says, “Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS.” The doctor replies, “Are you gay?” The man answers “yes.” The doctor says, “I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice.Take ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved.” The man answers, “Will that cure my AIDS?” The doctor replies, “No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!”

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach…

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly awasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough,she panics.The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coaton her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then hemakes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examiningher, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps sohe says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it outby putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as hefeels the wasp.And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife’sscreaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the generalpanic, he just can’t rise to the occasion. So the doctor sayshe’ll perform the deed if the husband and wife don’t object.Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, sothe doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on andinstantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug thewife. Only he doesn’t stop and withdraw but continues withvigour.The husband shouts, “What the hell’s happening?” To whichthe doctor replies, “Change of plan. I’m going to drown thebastard!!!