“At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.”

“One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart,”

“I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.” Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. ”

“During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?”, asked the doctor. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. ”

“While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”

“I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY jelly.”

sahilMedical Jokes3 Nov, 2009No Comments

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

sahilMedical Jokes31 Oct, 2009No Comments

A man just got out of surgery and was still in the hospital lying in bed with a breathing machine attached to his mouth. A nurse walks in and checks the breathing machine and makes sure every thing is functioning correctly.

The man says, “Excuse me, nurse. Are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks confused and says, “Excuse me?”

The man says again, “Are my testicles black?”

So the nurse pulls down the covers of the bed, lifts the man’s hospital gown and carefully inspects his testicles. When she’s done she says, “Nothing seems to be wrong with them and they’re definitely not black.”

The man smiles, pulls the breathing machine away from his mouth and says, “Thank you, that was nice, but I was asking ‘Are my test results back?’”

sahilMedical Jokes29 Oct, 2009No Comments

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.””That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”

sahilMedical Jokes8 Jun, 2009No Comments

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed to lose weight.
“I”m at the end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?”

So the doctor examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut.

“Well, OK doctor, it sounds drastic, but I guess thats what I need.”

Anyway, six months go by and the dude comes out of hospital, thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctors to thank him.

“Theres only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand, that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?”

“Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.”

So the dude strips down. Then, squeezing it all upwards, the doctor ties it in a ball above his head.

“That”s all well and good, doc”, the dude said, “but my navel is now in the middle of my forehead.”

The doctor replies, “Yes, but you should see what you have got for a collar and tie!”

sahilMedical Jokes17 May, 2009No Comments

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

sahilMedical Jokes4 Apr, 2009No Comments

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

sahilMedical Jokes1 Apr, 2009No Comments

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days — “Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then on the third day, skip.”
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day. The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, “How is your diet?” She said, “Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me tired.”

sahilMedical Jokes31 Mar, 2009No Comments

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

sahilMedical Jokes30 Mar, 2009No Comments

We’ve all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the…. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers… “Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.” If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press….no one will answer any way.

sahilMedical Jokes29 Mar, 2009No Comments