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Retractions by the NY Times in 1998

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13 “Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.”

12 “Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”

11 “We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”

10 “Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”

9 “Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”

8 “In Thursday’s edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…”

7 “This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.”

6 “Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”

5 “It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.’”

4 “Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”

3 “Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ’slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”

2 “As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”

and Top5’s Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998…

1 “Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”

Ghosts and the Ricki Lake Show

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience “Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?” and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks “Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?” and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks “Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?” and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says “what was it like?” and he said “Oh…it was great!! Never had any like it before!!” and she asked “Really?? So the ghost was good??” and the old man said “GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!”

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
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1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them
out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Dairy queen–whopper

How did the dairy queen get pregnant?
The burger king showed her his whopper!!!

Dear Abby

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Q: Dear Abby,
What can I do about my little brother? He’s such a pest!
A: Have you tried a flyswatter?

Q: Dear Abby,
My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
A: Shut up and get back to work!

Q: Dear Abby,
My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
A: Get a new dad.

Q: Dear Abby,
Why are you so lazy?
A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

Q: Dear Abby,
Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
A: Send them to me and I’ll eat them for you.

Scottie (Star Trek)

Ha ha ha,very funny Scottie….

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!

Arnold:the musical

Stallone, Tony Danza ,and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.

Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he’ll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says “I’ll be Bach!”

Energizer Bunny

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

Foul play has not been ruled out.

Pinnochio

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. “Every time we make love,” she said, “I get splinters!”

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

“Sandpaper my boy, that’s what you need,” was the carpenter’s response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, “How are you getting on with the girls now?”

“Who needs girls?” replied Pinnochio!

After a Tonsilectomy?

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. “Tell me, how are you feeling now?” he asked.

“A lot better, thank you,” purred the star in reply. “But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?”

“Oh, that’s rather hard to say,” said the doctor. “I’ve never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before.”