Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!

Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They’re all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.

Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 … Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn’t actually add up to 100.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it’s been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it’s not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying “I got it”, one to post in saying “Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays”, one to post in saying “Our news software hasn’t been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?”, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words “Me too”, two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with “I don’t get it. Isn’t this the place for FUNNY jokes ?”, one to post in after two months “What’s this lightbulb joke you’re all talking about ?”, one to repost it a month later thinking it’s a new joke, one to post “I didn’t get it. What’s the punchline ?”, one to post “Has anyone got a list of these? I’m starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes”, and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by “Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?” and accompanied by all of our old favourites like “How many programmers…? None that’s a hardware problem.”, three to ask, a month later, “What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?”, and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many alt.anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to say it can’t be done because there aren’t enough vowels, one to be clever and change “a lightbulb” into “bull bit hag”, and one to try and sell copies of the “Anagram for Windows” program he wrote.

Q: How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that’s really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can’t be measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song…

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two-fifty.

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, who’ll do it for food.

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went.

Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
A: None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb…

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.

Q: How many ‘real’ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. ‘Real’ programmers prefer LEDs.

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newton’s poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.

Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It’s hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The change is 90% complete.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there’s no point trying to maintain it. We’re going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but she’s not available. She’s the only programmer we have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship to customers, and that’s higher priority, you know.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,…

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.”

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Trick question. Programmers don’t do hardware. (same answer really as “None. It’s a hardware problem.”)

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.

Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don’t know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle… and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 24 1/8, but that’s down 3/8 from yesterday.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. “And that’s magic !”

Q: How many Will Rogers’ does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn’t like.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You’d've thought they’d have learnt by now, if it’s not broken they shouldn’t bugger about with it. What’s that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*

Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.

Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor’s driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician’s job to screw in lightbulbs.

Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That’s the electrician’s job.

Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: “The user can work it out.”

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided there’s a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: “Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?…”

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I’m sorry, we don’t support that kind of lighting technology.

Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem…

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn’t tip over.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It can’t be done yet. “Light bulb” is more than 8 characters long.

Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we’ll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we’ll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments