Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say “Get daaowwwwn !”

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don’t know exactly, but my brother’s girlfriend’s father’s boss’ secretary’s sister’s next door neighbors’ priest’s cousin’s union shop steward’s uncle’s Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew’s best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant “Fight Darkness!”

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

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Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won’t work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it’s a waste of time because the new bulb probably won’t work either.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they’re convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there’s an engineer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they’re arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say “She’ll be right mate” and one to fetch the beers.

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.

Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there weren’t any light bulbs in the 13th century.

Q: How many Timothy McVeigh’s does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first you have to strip the insulation off of the electrical cord, wrap it around his legs a couple of times, then plug it in. If Mr. McVeigh is holding the light bulb at this time, it should glow quite nicely.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania’s bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it’s *their* light bulb.

Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!

Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.

Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping…..

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter, they don’t have any electricity anymore.

Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: “Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb.”

Q: How many Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on how far up the succession list the lightbulb is. For lightbulbs within 50 (+or-5) of the throne, the total can be approximated by (10 000/n) where n = place in succession list.

Q: How many Austrailian Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but there is only one and she is old and not feeling that well these days so … hurry!

Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don’t know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.

Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a software bug.

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say “ME TOO!”, and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They’re so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off that no one ever has enough time to get anything done !

Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300–one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.

Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn’t been done already !

Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit “How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem.”

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many sci.math readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Pi. Two hold the ladder, one the bulb, but something irrational remains about it.

Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One-no! Six is!

Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Me! Me too! Me too!

Q: How many alt.fan.hofstadter readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have special lightbulbs that screw themselves.

Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 42.

Q: How many alt.alien.visitors readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. (screw screw screw) Aargh! The light! I’m being abducted!

Q: How many alt.1d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm, yes, very funny, but what has this got to do with 1d ?

Q: How many alt.spam readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, if you buy our newest ACME Lightbulb screwer, for only $10, from XPOSTS R US, Velveeta, Ca, USA. Contact now!

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments