Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four–one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.

Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can’t catch a waiter’s eye.

Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn’t know where it came from.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can’t do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many “Changing lightbulbs”-joke writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and don’t ask why because they haven’t–figured that out yet.

Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I’ve just cashed up.

Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks, anytime.”

Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, it’s MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It’s a new fangled addition. It’s been developed by, er, (etc…)

Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It’s of no interest to them.

Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin’ mate !

Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it’ll be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going “To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right…”

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, “In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources …”

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it’s actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one’s shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It’s all relative.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.

Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it’s five but as we all now it’s only him, so…

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they’re really three.

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.

Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. “I can’t change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger.”

Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody’s looking, just to be certain.

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he cannot change it, right?

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. “I’m not changing a thing”

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn’t too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren’t supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb’s best interests at heart.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it’s been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Note: Several of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.

Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None–Hanover doesn’t have electricity!

Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that’s the proletariat’s work!

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five–one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb….

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15–One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan’s light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan’s apparent poor memory.

Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial (”The bulb is really just dim”), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.

Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They’d just go round telling everyone that it’s time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for “New lightbulb.”

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s a military secret.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, bankers don’t change light bulbs.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. I’ve answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.

Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don’t know, he can’t decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb in or not!

Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his lightbulb to Iran.

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: I don’t know, let me call my maid.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.

Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.

Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you ever wondered why it’s so dark in Bloomington?

Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three–one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many tight wads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four–One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments

Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don’t expect results.

Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.

Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two–one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.

Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.

Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.

Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None–New Haven looks better in the dark!

Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you’ll know it really does.

Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One–and that’s what his degree will be in!

Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.

Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he’ll make sure it’s on his resume.

Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it’s very preprofessional.

adminLight Bulb Jokes20 Oct, 2005No Comments