Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Aug
9
sahil
9 Aug, 2008
Aug
8
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. “Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”"Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”
Aug
5
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ?You’re beautiful!
Aug
4
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”"But, what?”"Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”
Aug
2
A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
Aug
1
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.”How much does it cost for engineer brain?”"Three dollars an ounce.”"How much does it cost for programmer brain?”"Four dollars an ounce.”"How much for lawyer brain?”"$1,000 an ounce.”"Why is lawyer brain so much more?”"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
Jul
17
Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet
to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it
has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately
by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter
increases
with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this
cannot
be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the
golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be
cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing
partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the
wrath
of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he
deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its
desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to
man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way
it
works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest
point from
the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar
combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one
another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.”
Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to
miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always
be the
one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically
adjust
your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only
until
the sunset.
Jul
16
Cigar Insurance - Supposedly True
———————————————————————-
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24
rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against… fire. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a
series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal
fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a
policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were
insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it
would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it
considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and so, the company was
obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he had lost in “the fires.”
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against
him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
Jul
15
The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court
would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return
the next day.
“What for?” the lawyer yelled at the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer’s
rude treatment, roared, “Fifty dollars….and if you want
to know “Why?” for that, it’s for your contempt of court!!
Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge
relented. That’s all right. You don’t have to pay the fine
right now.”
The lawyer replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough to say
three more words.”
Jul
12
Before going to Europe on business, a lawyer drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the lawyer said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the lawyer walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest”, the loan officer said. The lawyer wrote out a check and started to walk away.
“Wait sir”, the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?”
The lawyer smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?