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Subway Series School

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, “Who here is a Mets fan?”

Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie.

The teacher asked, “Who do you like, little girl?” Rosie replied, “I’m a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets.”

The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, “So if Rosie’s parents were idiots, what would that make her?”

Rosie chimed in, “A Mets fan!!!”

Childhood Of Yore

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”

“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn’t matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”

Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.

No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.

“Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Let Them Eat Homework

Why’d the boy eat his homework?

His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

The Year Of Flying Dangerously

What’s dangerous and swings from trees?

A monkey with a chainsaw!

The Millennium Kid

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ”Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”

”What a coincidence,” the man said with some obvious pride. ”I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ”You sir, are the father of triplets.”

”Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered. ”I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.”

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man — who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. ”Don’t tell me! Another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ”I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

”I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers… ”I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers… ”I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers…”

Dad Eats Lightbulbs

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs.

“How do you know that?” asks his teacher.

“I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said ‘If you turn out the light, I’ll eat that thing.’”

Dolly Parton’s Kids

Q: How can you find Dolly Parton’s kids in a crowd?

A: They’re the ones with the stretchmarks on their lips.

The Call Of Nature

One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”

Donations To The Preacher

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.

”Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, ”but why?”

”Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had!”

Late Again

A kid was late was late for school one day.

“I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,” he explained to the teacher.

“Couldn’t your father have done that?”

“Sure, but the bull would have done a better job.”