“Listen, God is everywhere, trust me, he is absolutely everywhere,” the wise old Sicilian priest told little Gianluca, who thought about this for a moment, before grabbing a half-opened matchbox lying on the table, quickly snapped it shut and declared triumphantly: “Got him!!!”
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
“Don’t worry, Sophie. Luca’s a good man. Go upstairs, and he’ll take care of you.”
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Luca’s got a big hairy chest.”
“Don’t worry, Sophie”, says the mother, “All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he’s got hairy legs!”
“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca’s a good man. Go upstairs, and he’ll take good care of you.”
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
“Mama, Mama, Luca’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta”, says the mother. “This is a job for Mama!”
This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, “You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole”. The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The Italian replied, “In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out”!
A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, “Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS…and write on the envelope, ’Now you have everything.’”
Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
She said: “You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!”
Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?
Q: What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 170?
A: Sicily.
Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.
How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her…
How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
A young priest was tempted by sins of the Flesh and astonishingly went to a call girl.
Being unable to hold his emotions, he screams out:
“My Daughter, the Lord is with us…”
“Well, in that case, you’re paying double…”
Q. What’s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.
I now know why so many italian men are named Tony. As they were loaded into the boats heading for the americas, their destinations were written on their foreheads with marker. Most hit the eastern american ports with the following:
TO N.Y.