One little Atheist boy’s parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn’t concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. “Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?”, they asked. “No.” said the boy. “Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?” “No.” responded the boy. “What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?” they queried. “Well,” said the boy, “my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must mean business!”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said “oh no, we can’t have services for a dog here, but there’s a new church down the street that might be wiling.” “Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?” asked farmer McCarthy. “Well man , why didn’t you tell me your dog was a catholic!!!?”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.” The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.” Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?” The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun, “And might I ask how your money is holding out?” “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note” he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?” Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” Floored the leprechaun stammers, “Once or twice a week?” The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Application to live in the City or County of Dublin.
(Including Fingal)

Name:__________________________

Nickname : (what your friends call you ) __________________________

Address : ( herd number ) _________________________

Father: ( otherwise known as Daddy ) ____________________________
( If you don’t know your Daddy, list three suspects )

Mother: _____________________________

Neck Shade: Light Red  Medium Red  Dark Red 

Do You own you own teeth ? Yes  No 

If borrowed, please state from whom. ________________________

Number of Teeth in Full Grin: Upper: _____ Lower: _____

Length of Right Leg: ____ Length of Left Leg: ____

How many wellies do you own ? ______ (pairs)

Size of Farm:
(please tick)

Middlin’  Smallish  Bit of a Field  Only A Bog 

Make of your Tractor: ________________ Weight of Your Tractor: ___________

Tractor Equipped With (please tick) : Gun Rack  4 Wheel Drive  Cassette Deck  Load of Turf  Ford Cortina Shock Absorbers  Truck Wheels  Sawdoctor’s CDs  Mud Flaps 
Toothpick Holder  Big Dog  Goat’s Hide 

Number of empty Beer Cans on floor of your tractor: _________

BUMPER STICKERS SHOWN :
(please tick)

“Well Holy God”  Me Other Car Is A Piece of SHITE Too  If you’re not from Cavan, you’re not worth a shite  Mayo for Sam  Honk if you love Glenroe  Supermacs 

FAVOURITE VOCALIST:
(please tick)

Margo  Big Tom  Loretta Lynn  Hank Williams  Brendan Shine  Garth Brooks  Tammy Wynette  Declan Nerney  Daniel O’ Donnell  Meself  What’s A Vocalist? 

FAVOURITE RECREATION:
(please tick)

Line Dancin’  Sheep Shaggin’  Slurry Smellin’  Bailin’ Hay  Dole Signin’  Drinkin’  Chewin’ Tabacca  Belchin’  Spittin’  Other 

Name(s) of Daughter(s) :
(please tick)

Mary  Biddy  Bridie  Udder 

Weapons Owned :
(please tick)

Shovel  Power or Chain Saw  Pick Handle  Slash Hook  Hurley  Other 

Cap Emblem:
(please tick)

Guinness  Smithwicks  Massey Ferguson  Net Nitrate 10-10-20  Kerry Co-Op 
Smile if you’re wearin’ wellies 

Number of Dependants : Legal ___ Claimed ___
Number of Welfare Cheques Claimed ____

Number of Weeks Unemployed: ______ (REALLY ____ )

Membership Of:
(please tick)

GAA  IFA  Macra  ICA  Youth Defence  Fine Gael 

Car Model:
(please tick)

Ford Cortina  Ford Escort MK1  Ford Escort MK2  Fiat Ritmo  VW Jetta  Humber  Honda 50 

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your yard ? _____

Are you married to any of the following :
(please tick)

Sister  Brother  Cousin  Cow 

Does your wife weigh more than your tractor ? Yes  No 

Can you write your name and get the spelling right every time ? Yes  No 

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend ? ________ If Yes, Why ? __________

Can you count to :
(please tick)

Ten with your shoes on  Twenty-one with your fly closed 

Medical History:

B.O.  Bovine T.B.  Smelly Feet  Runny Nose  Bad Breath  Head Lice  Sheep Lice 
Foot & Mouth Disease 

Please give the same information in respect to yourself. 

THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN THIS FORM

We Will Let You Know If Ewe Can Stay Next Week.

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Two irish men walking down the street. One suddenly stumbles across a mirror. He looks at it, turns to his mate and says ’i reconize the face but cant put a name to it. His mate grabs it off of him and says ’its me you muppet’.

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

Two irish blokes walking past a police station when they spot a poster saying ’2 Black Men Wanted fo Rape’. One turns to the other a says ’black blokes get all the good jobs’.

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments

News bulletin: “A two-seater Irish plane has crashed into a graveyard. It is being called the worst crash yet for Ireland as 837 bodies have already been recovered.”

adminIrish Jokes21 Oct, 2005No Comments