A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’65.”
“This is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’65, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?,” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
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21 Oct, 2005
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, “Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.” The Father said, “Tell me who the lady was.” The lad said he couldn’t do that and the Father said he couldn’t grant him forgiveness unless he did.
“Was it Mollie O’Grady ?” asked the Father.”
“No.”
“Was it Rosie Kelly?”
“No.”
“Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O’Malley?”
“No.”
“Well then,” said the Father, “You’ll not be forgiven.”
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, “So, did you find forgiveness.” “No,” said the other, “but I picked up three good prospects!”
Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn’t take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it’s a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, “Careful now, boys; mind ye don’t bump the gatepost again”
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said “Mike…will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!”. A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said “Pat! Are you seeing what I’m seeing? A man of the Church, and he’s giving that place his custom!” Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says “Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there.”
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.” They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.” They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts “Wellll……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.” The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.” They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Welllllll….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.” The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn’t stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, “When I’m worried about gettin’ nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o’ whiskey. Just to calm my nerves.” So the next Sunday he took the older priest’s advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say “He was stoned off his ass.”
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”; he did not say, Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick’s, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, “Son, it’s time for you to get me a Protestant minister.”
The son is astounded. “But, Dad!” he protests, “You’ve been a good Catholic all you life! You’re delirious. It’s a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister.”The old man looks up at him and says, “Son, please. It’s me last request. Get a minister for me!” “But, Dad,” cries the son, “Ye raised me a good Catholic. You’ve been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don’t want a minister at a time like this!” The old man manages to croak out the words, “Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you’ll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.”
The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O’Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. “I’m afraid you’re too late, Father,” he says. “He’s a Protestant now.” Father O’Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man’s room. “Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?” he cries. “You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary’s together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?” “Well,” the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. “I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*.”
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
“Father, forgive me for I have Thinned.”
“You’ve Thinned?”
“Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times.”
“Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down.”
“Will that wash away me Thin?”
“No, but it will get the silly smile off your face.”
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. “Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??” “Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?” “I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”