What’s the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
The nun has a soul full of hope.
What’s the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
The circus is an array of cunning stunts.
Holly Happidays
Oct
26
admin
26 Oct, 2005
Oct
26
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor’s house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. “Excuse me”, our man stammered, “but I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful your wife is.”
“Yeah? So?” his hulking neighbor replied.
“Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.”
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. “OK,” the husband says gruffly, “for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife’s tits.”
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
“Well, come on already, kiss ‘em!” he growls.
“I can’t” replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
“Why not?” demands the husband, getting really angry now.
“I don’t have ten thousand dollars!”
Oct
26
Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter…
The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts make when she walks.
BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.
Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.
Finally, a chance to say, “Yeah, but it’s a dry cold.”
Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.
You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.
Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.
No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.
Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else’s toasty-warm glove-clad hands.
Flashers stick to describing themselves.
Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.
When it’s 10 below, nobody gives a rat’s ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.
With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.
The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!
and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter…
Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!
Oct
26
Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.
One day, a woman comes to the stand, “Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?”
“I dont know”, replies the stupid cashier.
The woman leaves unsatisfied.
THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!”
“10 cents? I will have to remember that” said the cashier.
The next day, another woman comes “hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?”
“10 cents ma’am”
“Really?, are they fresh?”
“I dont know”
So the woman leaves.
The boss, having spied this screams “WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?”
So the cashier memorizes “Yes, very fresh”
The next day, another woman comes and says “Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?”
“10 cents” He replies.
“Are they fresh?”
“Very fresh”
“Should I buy them?”
“I dont know”
So the woman leaves.
The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again “YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY ‘If you dont, somebody else will’ OK?”
“ok, gotcha boss”
So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.
He goes up to the cash register and screams “HEY, how much money is in that cash register?” “10 cents sir”
“WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?”
“Yes, very fresh sir”
“SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?”
“If you dont, somebody else will”
Oct
26
A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area - Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, “Where is my money.” The man replied that he didn’t know and said that he would find him.
The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big’s office. Mr. Big said, “Where the fuck is my money? “. The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, “What the fuck is this?”
The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.
Mr. Big said, “Do you know how to read sign language?”
The man said, ” No, but I’ll find someone who can. “.
He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.
“Well,” says Mr. Big, “What did he say?”
She says he said, “Fuck You! “.
Mr. Big replied, “You’d better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.”
The girl asks him again, “Where is the money ” and the man again replied in sign language. ”
What did he say this time? “, asked Mr. Big.
He said ” Fuck You, again “.
With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, “If he doesn’t tell me where my money is, I’ll cut off his head and throw him in the river!”.
She told this to the man and this time he answered, “It’s under the front seat of my car”, again in sign language.
” Well “, asked Mr. Big,” What did he say this time? “.
She replied ” He said Fuck You! “.
Oct
26
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it “Closed for remodeling.” **Caution - Leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Oct
26
“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”
“All generalizations are false.”
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”
“I love cats…they taste just like chicken”
“Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”
“Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.”
“Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.”
“Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death”
“Cover me. I’m changing lanes.”
“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools”
“Happiness is a belt-fed weapon”
“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”
“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
“Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.”
“REHAB is for quitters”
“I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!”
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep”
“All men are Idiots, and I married their King!”
“E. coli Happens”
“Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!”
“Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician”
“If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.”
“SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver”
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”
“Towers will be violated”
“Work is for people who don’t know how to fish”
“Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ”
“End rape. Say ‘Yes!’”
“I KNOW JACK SHIT!”
“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”
“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
“Don’t blame me, I’m from Uranus.”
“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”
“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”
“It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.”
“If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.”
“I Brake For No Apparent Reason.”
“When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
“Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m.! ”
“Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.”
“Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.”
“Wink, I’ll do the rest!”
“I may be fat, but you’re ugly - I can lose weight!”
“No Radio - Already Stolen”
“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.”
“Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.”
“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
“When there’s a will, I want to be in it!”
“Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?”
“If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?”
“Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ”
“I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar!”
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”
“Assassins do it from behind!”
“Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!”
“Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!”
“Tell me to ‘Stuff It’ - I’m a taxidermist.”
“IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got. ”
“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!”
“Which came first? The woman or the department store?”
“LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.”
“It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”
“LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.”
“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”
“Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.”
“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”
“A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.”
“Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!”
“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”
“I’m not as think as you drunk I am”
“First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering”
Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms”
“Don’t come knocking if the car is rocking”
“Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter”
“Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ”
“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”
“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”
“We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?”
“We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.”
“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”
“He who laughs last thinks slowest”
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
“Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
“Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.”
“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”
“i souport publik edekasion”
“The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.”
“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.”
“Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…”
“3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’.. till you can find a rock.”
“2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.”
“I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”
“I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ”
“Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”
“I is a college student.”
“Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.”
“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
“Eschew obfuscation.”
“God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!”
“I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?”
“CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.”
“We’re staying together for the sake of the cats.”
“It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.”
“My karma ran over your dogma.”
“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”
“I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.”
“Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.”
“Welcome to Texas, now go home.”
“It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you.”
“If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.”
“Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.”
“Life’s too short to dance with ugly women.”
“My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me.
Gosh, I’m going to miss her.”
“When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).”
“Beer isn’t just for breakfast any more.”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
“Will Rogers never met a lawyer.”
“Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.”
“It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”
“Don’t steal. The government hates competition.”
“Is there life before coffee?”
“Never play leap frog with a unicorn.”
“Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m”
“The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.”
“I Cayman went.”
“My other wife is beautiful.”
“I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?”
“Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.”
“Don’t laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.”
“Nuke the unborn baby whales.”
“Geez if you belive in honkus.”
“Friends don’t let friends drive naked.”
“Save California; when you leave take someone with you.”
“I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.”
“There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.”
“If money could talk, it would say goodbye.”
“When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.”
“Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.”
“If it’s too loud, you’re too old.”
“The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.”
“Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
“Who cares who’s on board?”
“Die Yuppie Scum.”
“Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.”
“Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.”
“Women make great leaders. You’re following one now.”
“Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.”
“Exxon Suxx.”
“Honk if you love cheeses.”
“Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist.”
“I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.”
“So many pedestrians, so little time.”
Oct
26
Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming’s ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.
“Oh, how I wish I could go!” Cinderella sighed.
No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.
“Here, god-child,” the fairy said, “try this on.”
So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric. “Dammit” Cinderella said” of all the lousy nights to get my period!”
So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it: “Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin.”
Cinderella puts it in her and goes to the Ball.
Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella’s return. 10 o’clock –11 o’clock –12 o’clock–1 o’clock
Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in “My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?”
“Forget the prince” Cinderella sighed.” At around one o’clock I met the most amazing guy…Peter Peter something…”
Oct
26
What the fuck was that?
The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all these fucking Indians
General Custer
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
– Captain of the Titanic
That’s not a fucking real gun
John Lennon
The fucking throttle’s stuck
Donald Campbell
Who’s going to fucking know?
President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll
Henry VIII
Watch him, he’ll have some fucker’s eye out
King Harold
Scattered showers my fucking ass
Noah
Where the fuck have you been?
Stanley to Livingston
Can you smell fucking gas?
Captain of the Hindenburg
Fuck you Brutus!
Julius Caeser
Oct
26
Y. O. D. A (To the Village People’s “Y. M. C. A”)
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ’cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be
HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I’LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don’t just stand in the rain!
You’re all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t
TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU’RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!
You don’t have to save Han!
If you do so, you’ll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A.
(repeat and fade).