1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend’s phone number.6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.8. Walk to the post office to get your mail. 9. Yell “FLUSH!”10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you’re in a stall.12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.13. Get dressed in the dark.14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.17. Order pizza every Friday night.18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can’t sleep in a room by yourself.19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don’t miss them.21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don’t want to go out.22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail withdrawal).23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house.

sahilGeneral1 Sep, 2008No Comments

You don’t know Jack Schitt!

When someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, well, now you’ll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt’s twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” you can say “Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!”

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

Some Words of Wisdom…

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?
DIPLOMACY: The art of saying “nice doggie!” until you can find a rock.
Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself.

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: “OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart”.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he’s done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

“Who the heck’s that?” she says.
“It’s Paul McCartney”, he replies.

“Doesn’t look like him at all” says she. “Now get it right or I’ll report you”.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he’s done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off “No way that’s Paul Mccartney” she says.
“It bloody well is” says the man. “Listen I’ll get a second opinion”

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who’s been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There’s the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)…
“Tell me who the hell you think that is”.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), “I’ve no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson”!

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright’s son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers –they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”

adminGeneral26 Oct, 20051 Comment »

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….it’ll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me….”We are all individuals.”
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists….they don’t expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally….
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

The FUCK word!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is the word “Fuck.” It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn’t really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very
few words with the versatility of “Fuck.”

Besides It’s sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description - “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time - “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business - “How did I end up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal - as in “Motherfucker.”

Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:
=====================================================================
Greetings……………………………….”How the fuck are you?”
Fraud………………………….”I got fucked by the car dealer.”
Dismay………………………………………….”Oh, fuck it.”
Trouble………………………….”Hell, I guess I’m fucked now.”
Aggression…………………………………………”Fuck you.”
Disgust…………………………………………….”Fuck me.”
Confusion…………………………………..”What the fuck…?”
Difficulty…………….”I don’t understand this fucking business.”
Despair………………………………………..”Fucked again.”
Exasperation…………………………………”For fuck’s sake.”
Enjoyment………………………………”This is fucking great.”
Hostility……………..”I’m going to knock your fucking head off.”
Stupidity………………………….”Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!”
Incompetence……………………………..”He’s such a fuck-up.”
Ignorance…………………………………….”Fuck if I know.”
Displeasure…………………….”What the fuck is going on here?”
Lost…………………………………..”Where the fuck are we?”
Disbelief………………………………..”Unfuckingbelievable!”
Retaliation………………………………”Up your fucking ass.”
Surprise…………………………………………..”Fuckin A!”
Surprise………………………………..”Well, I’ll be fucked.”
Suspicion…………………………”What the fuck are you doing?”
Contempt…………………”Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!”

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

“As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.”

The man’s most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. “Let’s see. My first wish is…” He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, “…to live in a ten story luxury mansion.”

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

“Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable.” said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

“What is your final wish, Master?” asked the genie”.

“I want to lose a testicle,” said the man.

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford.

They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, “I get the bed.” Then another guy says, “I get the bathroom.” Then the last guy says, “I guess I get the closet.”

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said, “It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

adminGeneral26 Oct, 2005No Comments