Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

sahilFemale Jokes25 Apr, 2008No Comments

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don’t men eat more M & M’s?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know - it’s never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What’s a man’s idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What’s the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!

sahilFemale Jokes22 Apr, 2008No Comments

Advice From Men To Women

…Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’

…If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.

…Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.

…Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

…Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

…Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

…The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!

…When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.

sahilFemale Jokes21 Apr, 2008No Comments

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“Im afraid I cant” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies.”

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up!

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in
her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host
could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove
them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You
know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
“Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked. “I have a little errand to
run. I should be back soon.”

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!” “What is it?” she
cried excitedly.

“OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the
answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’ ” The couple went to sleep with Jane,
now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the
quiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily
before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she
knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running
and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds.”

“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. ” Six seconds.” “Eh, uh, the
heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.” “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it
into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

“That’s close enough!” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice”?

The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the dwarf.”

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
“NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE”
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
“what I’ll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it’s a snake skin belt”
“Yes” the woman replies “but what about the skunk?”
“I don’t know, you’ll just have to hide it up your skirt”
“but what about the smell?” the woman asks.
To which the man replies “Look, if it dies it dies!”

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked “Would you let me have sex with you for a dollar?”
“Certainly not!” exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said “Would you let me have sex with you for a million dollars?”
After a brief pause, the woman replied “yes, I suppose I would.” Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked “Would you let me have sex with you for five dollars?”
“Certainly not!” replied the young woman, getting angry now “What kind of girl do you take me for?”
“We’ve already established that” replied the man, “We’re just haggling over the price!”

adminFemale Jokes5 Jun, 2007No Comments