‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father’s mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com–

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa’s workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he’s a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. “Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you’re all of you through,

It’s Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist, It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ‘em young, keep ‘em long, is Microsoft’s theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!”

And mum in her ‘kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

sahilComputer Jokes22 Nov, 2008No Comments

OCR - Optical Character Recognition

A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they’re in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you’re prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1’s that came out as l’s, all the O’s that came out as 0’s, and all the :’s that come out like ;’s.

sahilComputer Jokes21 Nov, 2008No Comments

Revision codes

Once you start playing with
software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision
code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the
sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there’s substantially
more information available through the rev-code than that. This article
provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and
what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or”barely out of beta”. We had to
release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the
marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find
it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has
some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs …

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had
to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind
you, it’s really not what the customer needs yet, but we’re working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes
so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time,
so we don’t think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these
bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you
won’t believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that’s been there since 1.0 and wouldn’t stop nagging until
we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we’ve got it right! Most of the
customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It’s doubled in size now, by the way,
and you’ll need to get more memory and a faster processor …

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time… Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base
out there to protect. We’re cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it’s been
so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major up
grade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify
the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I’m leaving the company and I’m the last guy left in the lab who
works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I’ve made
are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was
getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining
about the lighting but they wouldn’t do anything). They’re talking about
obsolescence planning but they’ll try to keep selling it for as long as
there’s a buck or two to be made. I’m leaving the bits in as good a shape
as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it’ll be sheer luck if no
one loses them.

sahilComputer Jokes21 Jul, 2008No Comments

Microsoft TV Dinner Instructions…
***********************************************

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing
so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights
to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a
bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may,
however, let others smell and look at your dinner
and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner
into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

Then enter:

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the
dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter
the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package
label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired
level of cooking and press start. The oven will
calculate the time and heat and cook the diner
exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in
which case your oven must be restarted. This is a
simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging
the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If
this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is
far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having
many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the
tray is too large to fit in your oven you will
need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets,
and only the chicken variety is currently produced.
If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help
and they will explain that you really don’t want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you
really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all
smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future
releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but
must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner
after ‘98. However, that version has yet to be
released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other
dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to
self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

sahilComputer Jokes18 Jul, 2008No Comments

~~~ You’re Hooked! ~~~

You know you’re addicted to the internet when…

Surfin’
* Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice
all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re
halfway through Lycos.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind…the perfect soundtrack
for “surfing the net”.
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
engines useless.

Staying Connected!
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or
phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.
* When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
* You have comandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net
and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Actually, you secretly distain them.
* Even though you died last week, you’ve managed to retain OPS
on your favorite IRC channel.
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.”
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP… because you never log off.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to
your IRC channel.
* Your modem isn’t working, and after a few minutes you begin to
sweat, your hands start to tremble…
* You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate
with your ISP
* You succeed.

Walk the Walk
* You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using
a word processor.com
* Even your night dreams are in HTML.
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though
you’ve never had heart problems before.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
* You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check
it again. There were 84 new ones …last hour.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your 1st instinct is: search for the “back” button.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom–and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html
* You actually tried that 123.elm.street address.
* You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape
4.0 or higher.”
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.
* When channel surfing the informercials, you grab a remote control
and double-click.

…and Talk the Talk
* You refer to going to the bathroom as “downloading.”
* You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net
dot au.”
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Serious Warning Signs!
* You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.
* You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap…
and your child in the overhead compartment.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
* Your son tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
games from Apogee.
* Your wife or husband says communication is important in a
marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second
phone line so the two of you can chat.
* You forget what year it is.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
* You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “You’ve
got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet.
* Your spouse’s new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
* You don’t know what gender over three of your closest friends
are because they have neutral nicknames.
* You email this message to your friends on the net. You think
about printing it out to show it to your others and… what
others?!?

sahilComputer Jokes17 Jul, 2008No Comments

ENGINEERING DEFINITIONS…WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN!!!

Major Technological Breakthrough = Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research = It was discovered by
accident.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen
difficulties = We are working on something else.

The designs are well within allowable limits = We just made it,
stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured = We are so far behind
schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all
from us.

Close project coordination = We should have asked someone else; or,
let’s spread the responsibility for this.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period = We haven’t
started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried. We don’t know where
we’re going, but we’re moving. = It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem =
We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive = The darn thing blew
up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned = The only guy who
understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties = We
threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

sahilComputer Jokes16 Jul, 2008No Comments

Subject: Computer Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI System Can’t See It

DOS Defective Operating System

BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math

COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

And straight from the B-Files (as in Bateman)

PHONE - Peculiar Hum Offends Near Ear

ACD - All Calls Dropped

VRU - Vocabulary Restricted Utterances

PAGER - Personal Agitation Gyrations Entangle Recipient

EMAIL - Electronic Miscommunication And Insignificant Letters
… like this one

sahilComputer Jokes15 Jul, 2008No Comments

My son is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin!

sahilComputer Jokes10 Jul, 2008No Comments

|If Microsoft Ran The IRS “Government should be run like a business.” We’ve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody’s favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise). — The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft’s example and actually ship them the following May. — Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users’ group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements. — In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country’s intellectual property. — When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices. — When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year’s form. — Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported. — The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft’s, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number. — After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication. — The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed. — Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice. — The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are publish

sahilComputer Jokes5 Jul, 2008No Comments

My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife

sahilComputer Jokes4 Jul, 2008No Comments