jokesdot.com

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.State-of-the-art: Any computer you can’t afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple’s new Macs that make you say ‘Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.’ Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.” Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ‘gooey’) Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

Support: “What sort of trouble?”

Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”,

Support: “Went away?”

Customer:”They disappeared.”

Support: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

Customer: “Nothing.”

Support: “Nothing?”

Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

Support: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

Customer: “How do I tell?”

Support: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

Support: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

Support: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

Customer: “What’s a monitor?”

Support: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Support: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

Customer: ……”Yes, I think so.”

Support: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

Customer: ……”Yes, it is.”

Support: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

Customer: “No.”

Support: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

Customer: ……”Okay, here it is.”

Support: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Customer: “I can’t reach.”

Support: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

Customer: “No.”

Support: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

Customer:”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

Support: “Dark?

Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Support: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

Customer:”I can’t.”

Support: “No? Why not?”

Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.”

Support: “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

Support: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Support: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

Support: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96

SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT

Stock Price Increases 50%

“We’ll do it better,” Says Microsoft

CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.

It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.

Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.

Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.

Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. “Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company,” said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as “Scooter.” “It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude.”

A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company’s marginal revenue. “Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector’s items and therefore increase dramatically in value,” according to the memo, which went on to explain that “this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations.” Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.

Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler’s strategy. “Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius,” said one Wall Street analyst. “This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It’s like the old days. Mac is back!” Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.

The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.

Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike “an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did.” Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.

Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, “Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant.”

In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. “This is a project we already had underway,” said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. “We just decided that the marketplace won’t be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that’s when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we’re hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple’s idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we’re evaluating previously extant competitive actions.” The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.

Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the “look and feel” of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?” The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!” The only chip inside is a Dorito. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection

Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A: Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?

A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with “huh” and ! with “zowie”.

Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down now

A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q: Why are there are no “shift” keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled “hif”?

A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A: Yes, although instead of the notation “shift”, the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you’re using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin’ words ‘n stuff on it.

Q: I’m sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word “shift” very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to “train” the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it’s better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A: They aren’t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don’t worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn’t seem to work. What’s wrong?

A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.

IBM: It’s Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It’s Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I’ve Been Mislead
IBM: It’s Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I’ll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I’ve Been Moved
IBM: I’ve Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It’ll Be Messy
IBM: It’s Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody’s home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:

Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what’s wrong, they say “nothing”.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn’t a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client’s last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for,
But it’s not what I want!”

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.

Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we’ve finished building it.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”