i would kill you but shit splatters
Oct
24
admin
24 Oct, 2005
Oct
24
This is a true stroy my brother told me about, after we were doing “You might be a redneck ” jokes, thought you might be able to use it. We laughed our butts off. Of course the beer helped some.
While at a freinds house my brother had noticed some pictures on the wall and asked Jean if the one black and white picture of a women dressed in an early 1900’s outfit was her mom, or grand mother.
Jean said it was her dressed up.
At that time her husband pulls out another picture from the back. It is a women holding a baby. He had asked my brother if he new who they were. Of course my brother didn’t. So he said “THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY MOTHER, HOLDING MY STEPMOHTER.
Oct
24
a 25 year old guy walks into the final test to become a field agent in the CIA the says that for his final test he has to kill his wife that is in the lobby then he syays no i have a kid comin then he storms out of the office then they bring in a 35 year old they say you have good mental capabilities but we dont ussually bring in a person over the age of 25. then he says for your final test you must kill your wife, the guy syasy no i wont kill my wife. Then they bring in a 45 year old they said we dont ussually bring in a person over hthe age of 25 but you mental capabilities are outstanding, ok for your final test go into the lobby and kill your wife, the guy says ok he gets the gun and then the test person hears BANG BANG BANG CRASH CRASH CRASH he comes back into the room and the guy syasy i herd the gun shots but he said what was the crashes? the guy said that the gun was full of blanks so i had to beat her to death with the chiars in the lobby.
Oct
24
you might be a red neck if all your directions include you know where wal-mart is
Oct
24
A college student suddenly realizes he had not saved enough money
for fall tuition. Wondering what to do, he remembers a small cafe
near campus with a sign on the window, “If we don’t have it, you
get $1000″.
On his way to the eatery, the student’s head is spinning with different
ideas on what to order.
A young waitress approaches as he sits at a table and askes if he
would like a menu. He shook his head no and said he was ready
to order. “I would like an elephant ear sandwich” he exclaimed. The
girl’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped and then asked if she
could be excused for a moment.
With shoulders slumped the waitress headed toward the office
fearing the response from her boss. She walks into the office and says,
“Sir, I need a check for $1000 ’cause there’s a guy outside that ordered
an elephant ear sandwich”. “What?!!”, the owner shouted. “We’re out of
elephant ears?!!”. “No sir,” she said. “We’re outta those great big buns!”.
Oct
24
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb.
package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken
observer as to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?” The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
Oct
24
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar,
into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss
for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit…Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house back…
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on price that! was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth…But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
their new home… including the curtain rods.
Oct
24
There was this mexican guy named jose, he came to america to see baseball, but when he went to the game the seats were sold out , so a man told him to sit in the bleachers in the outfeild, he goes there and says he cant see, so the man tells him to climb up the flagpole, so he does, he watches the whole game then goes back to mexico, they ask him how was the game, and he said ” the american people are so nice they asked me jose can you see”
Oct
24
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news…
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as
a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Oct
24
A couple from Michigan decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel itineraries. So, the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday, while his wife was scheduled to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile…..somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife:
I’ve Arrived! I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just got all checked in and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!