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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats… lightsabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!” Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader’s reach, “How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?” Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, “The force is with me… I felt your presents.”

Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.” The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, “$350 dollars! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me $350 dollars?” The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN.”

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.” “No, from all that skipping.”

Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said “I could not work out what size her nose was!

Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.

Q. What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A. Forty feet of track - all straight!

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”

When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin’ reindeer!

Wit’ slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me ’side da head.

“What da hell you doin’
Pullin’ a gun on da Don?
Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,
You friggin’ moron!”

Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin’,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!”

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don’t pee on the tree

b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open

e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don’t eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON’T BITE HIM!!

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Marv Albert’s Holiday Jingle:

“Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear” (sung to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland”)

Lacy things - the girlfriend’s missin’, Didn’t ask - her permission, I’m wearin’ her clothes , Her silk pantyhose, Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store - there’s a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He’ll say, “Are you ready?” We’ll say,”Whoa, Man!” “Let’s wait until our women are out of town!”

Later on, if you wanna, We can dress - like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin’ round in women’s underwear

Washington Post — Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea.

o 4th runner up: Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm o 3rd runner up: A Pee Wee Herman pull toy o 2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo — Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties o 1st runner up: 5,200 pick up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game o Winner: The “Learn about puberty chia pet”

——————————— Honorable mentions:

o Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches. o The laff-o-minit jajic spellin’ tootor o Doggie dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch. o Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool. o Water retention Wanda — Teaches kids the principles of the calendar. o Advanced play medical kit — includes colonoscope and speculum. o Chocolate covered lead soldiers o Bungeroo — kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms o Islamic strip poker — lose a hand, lose a hand.