Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn’t worked. The second decided to try.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?”

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn’t worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”

“Oh, no. But that’s what y’r friends hae been trying to tell me.”

sahilBar Jokes30 Sep, 2008No Comments

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”

Then the lady answered, ”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

sahilBar Jokes29 Sep, 2008No Comments

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY

A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida’s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

INSULT TO INJURY

An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man’s public defender calls that “ridiculous,” and says the man’s injury is punishment enough.

HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?

A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.

OOPS! OF THE WEEK

A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you’re going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner’s grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni’s Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant — where cops found pictures of Ubbing’s grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!

During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.

I THOUGHT THIS’D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY’D LOOK…!

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man’s fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.

AND FINALLY…

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

sahilBar Jokes27 Sep, 2008No Comments

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

sahilBar Jokes26 Sep, 2008No Comments

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he’s doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

“My condolences,” says the bartender, thinking that one of the man’s friends has died.

“No, no,” says the man, “they’re both still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”

sahilBar Jokes25 Sep, 2008No Comments

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”

The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.”

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I’ll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.”

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

“What’s so funny?” says the barkeep. “You just lost everything you won and more!”

Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn’t get angry.”

sahilBar Jokes24 Sep, 2008No Comments

You might be a redneck if your congregation uses shot glasses for communion.

sahilBar Jokes23 Sep, 2008No Comments

How does a man plan for the future? He buys TWO cases of beer.

sahilBar Jokes22 Sep, 2008No Comments

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once but I didn’t like it.”

So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?”

But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it.”

The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”

The bartender said, “Your only son, I guess.”

sahilBar Jokes21 Sep, 2008No Comments

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

”Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

”Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.”

”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”

”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

”Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

”Ruff!”

”What the hell you tryin’ to pull mister?”

”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

“Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

sahilBar Jokes20 Sep, 2008No Comments