Daily Jokes Comedy Funny Humor » Bar Jokes

Irish Drunks

sahil — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:10:52 +0000

A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar.

“What county did you say you where from?” asked the first.

“Why, County Clare.” the second replied.

“Well, I’ll be damned! I’m from County Clare, too! What town?”

“Why, I’m from Ennis.”

“I’ll be damned! I’m from Ennis, too! What parish are you from?’

“Saint Francis.”

“Well, I’ll be damned! I belonged to Saint Francis’, too.”

“What street did you live on?”

“Why, Parnell Street.”

“I’ll be dammed. I lived on Parnell Street.”

“What was your mother’s maiden name?”

“Leahy.”

“I’ll be damned . . .”

After listening to all this, the man calls the barman over and says, “Sean, what’s with them two?”

“Not much,” he replied. “It’s just the Mulcahy twins drunk again!”

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The Drunken Businessman

sahil — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:44:43 +0000

Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar on the top floor of a New York skyscraper. While he’s sipping his drink, another man approaches him. He looks like an average guy; suit, tie, glasses, and he’s pretty drunk.

“Hey,” says the guy. “I’ll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in.” The man points to an open window not far off.

Peter looks at the man like he’s crazy. “No thanks, I think I’ll just sit and enjoy my drink.” The man shrugs and wanders off.

About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he’s even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he’s starting to slur. “Hey,” he says. “I’ll give you…five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in.”

Now Peter is getting irritated. “No, please leave me alone.” The man shrugs and wanders off again.

Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he’s REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there’s a burn hole in his suit, and he’s wearing his tie around his head. “Hey, I’ll giff you five…hic…..THOUSAND dollerz to jub’ out ‘at window…..and jum’ baggin.”

Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. “Tell you what,” he says. “You do it first and I’ll do it for free.”

The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, “If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can.” So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.

The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself. The bartender looks at him and says “You sure are a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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Irishman’s Two Brothers

sahil — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:06:42 +0000

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

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Breathalyzer

sahil — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 11:17:28 +0000

“Shhaaayyy, buddy, what’s a ‘Breathalyzer’?” asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

“Well, I’d have to say that it’s just an old bag that tells you when you’ve drunk way too much,” answered the equally wasted gent.

“Ah hell, whaddya know? I’ve been married to one of those for years!”

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Irish Drunks A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman...

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Weasels

sahil — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:24:15 +0000

Two weasels (very drunk) are sitting at a bar the first one says I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER the second weasel smacked his head and said hey dad lets go home I think you“ve had too much to. Related posts:The Drunken Businessman Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar...Irish Drunks A man walks into a pub. He [...] Related posts:

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Your Mother

sahil — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 10:31:13 +0000

There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts ‘I’ve shagged your mum!’ The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the middle guy again ‘Your mum’s sucked my cock!’. And then goes back to his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he’s back again and announces ‘Oi! I’ve had your mum up the arse!’. Finally the guy in the middle stands up and shouts, ‘Look, Dad, you’re pissed, now bugger off home’.

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The Star Wars Drinking Game

sahil — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 11:01:51 +0000

I am including this as it has bits of trivia in it, and it is rather funny. This is an edited version of the original post along with other people’s additions. Unfortunately, I don’t know who it was that made the first version of this game (hints would be appreciated).

To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:

- The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game)

- An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)

- A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all around you. Kapow! (optional)

Begin by inserting your weatherbeaten “Star Wars” videotape into the big slot on your VCR. Dim the lights for dramatic effect, and play the tape. The game begins right as “20th Century Fox” appears on the screen. Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events. Every time one of them occurs, everybody takes a sip of their drink

Drink when:

- Someone has a bad feeling about this.

- It’s their only hope.

- An entire planet is described as having one climate.

- Somebody gets choked.

- a woman other than Leia is on screen

- An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)

- Somebody’s hand gets cut off.

- A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.

- There is a tremor in the Force.

- It’s not someone’s fault

- One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing

- A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks

- Someone exclaims “No!”

- Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea

= Twice if it’s not Han

- Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies–it counts if they change at the end

- Someone is mind-controlled using the Force

- People kiss

- A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black

= Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts)

= Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray

- Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen

- An elaborately made up alien has no lines

- Someone or something tries to get money from Han

- Some ship crashes into something after being hit.

- Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber)

- An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen seconds. Count’em.)

- It is Luke’s destiny.

- Luke whines.

- Luke discovers a long-lost relative.

- Luke fights monsters or savages.

- Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.

- Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.

- Luke is upside-down

- Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time

= Twice if they speak to each other

- Luke’s parentage is Foreshadowed

- Luke refuses to take someone’s advice

- Luke yells “Artooooo!”

- Leia insults somebody.

- Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands

= Twice if it covers her neck

= Three times if she’s almost totally nude

- Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.

- Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. (”…Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.”)

- Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.

- Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.

- Something doesn’t work on the Falcon

= Twice if it’s the hyperdrive

- Yoda uses bad grammar.

- Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.

- R2-D2 gets thrashed.

- R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.

- C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered.)

- C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he’s familiar with

- A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white

= Twice if they’re non human (co-pilots count)

- A Rebel Pilot says “Nice Shot…”

- A Rebel Pilot says “I’ve been hit…”

- Tarkin brags about the Death Star.

- The Emperor cackles evilly.

- The Emperor has foreseen something.

- Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn’t recognize them

= Twice if he tries to kill them

- Boba Fett talks.

- Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they’re aiming.

- Stormtrooper armor proves useless.

- Any Imperial Ship is destroyed

- A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.

The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. No matter what you’ve been drinking, you will remember this image. The last person to give up drinking on each cue is the winner. Of course, ties are possible. If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.

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The Crying Horse

sahil — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 09:50:27 +0000

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.

So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.

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Beer Scooter

sahil — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:53:18 +0000

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought ‘How did I get home?’? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’.

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

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7 Shots of Vodka!

sahil — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 11:10:46 +0000

Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.”
The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.”

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says “Come on and tell me about it I’ve got a good ear, that’s why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.”

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says “Ok, today was my first blowjob.” The bartender says “Hey great, have another on the house.”

The man says “No, if 7 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will!”

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