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Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here?

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”

The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”

“But this is my Seeing Eye dog? the guy said.

“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

“But this is my Seeing Eye dog? said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The bartender yells at him, “You can’t bring that animal In here!”

The man says, “This isn’t just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I’ll show you.” He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, Then says, “This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time.”

So, the bartender says “47 seconds? The man says, “OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!” The alligator opens its mouth Wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, “To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I’m going to lay my Dick in his mouth. But, just for safety’s sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on.” The man does so, and when the Bartender starts saying “45…46…47.” right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator’s mouth snaps Shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, “Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?”

And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, “You there!! You’re a real man! You’re brave enough to try this??!”

To which the other man says, “Yet, but I don’t think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds.”

A lady stumbles into a bar.

She says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martini, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and put a pickle in it.” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martini, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got artburn, ”

You have your left tit in the Ashtray!”

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, 揚ay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free Beer.?

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry, and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, ” How did you do it?”

The guy answers, ” To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him”

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, ‘What man Out there will buy a lady a drink?’

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, ‘Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a Drink.’

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy Armpit, saying,

‘What man out there will buy a lady a drink?’

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, ‘Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.’

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, ‘It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’

To which, the drunken replies, ‘Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

There抯 a blonde and a brunette in a elevator. And a man walks in with really bad dandruff, so the brunette says “Someone should give him head and shoulders” and the blonde reply抯 “I know how to give head but how do you give shoulders?”

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and –WHACK!! — knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and –Bong!!!– bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.”

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50″ figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn’t good enough — take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn’t remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet

seat.

“Man, we gotta find this place,” said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, “Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat.”

The bartender hollered to the back, “HEY, FRED. HERE’S THAT SON OF A BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT.”

- Contribution of: Joel Morgan - us