Daily Jokes Comedy Funny Humor » Animal Jokes

Two Parrots

sahil — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:09:54 +0000

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’ ”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.”

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest’s cage. “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

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The Lost Cat

sahil — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:43:47 +0000

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

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The Other Guy’s Meal

sahil — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:05:18 +0000

A man has been visiting Cuba for a week. He’s leaving the next day and still hasn’t tried much of the local food, so he goes to a restaurant and sits down to order. He notices the guy next to him eating a delicious-looking meal.

Calling over the waiter he asks for the same meal as that man, but the waiter informs him that there’s none left. He asks him what it is and the waiter replies, “Those are the testicles of the bull that lost the fight earlier in the day, if you come back tomorrow we’ll save the dish for you.”

So the man extends his trip for another day and goes back the following afternoon and the waiter has his food prepared for him. He eats the meal and calls the waiter over. “That meal was delicious; the only thing is, it seems to be a lot smaller than the meal the other man at yesterday.”

“Ah, well, I’m sorry sir, but sometimes the bull wins.”

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Brewster the Rooster

sahil — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 11:13:23 +0000

There was this farmer who had an old rooster named Brewster, and Brewster could mate with any animal, he didn’t care which. Every morning the farmer would get up and feed all his animals, and every morning he would warn Brewster that someday it would catch up to the old rooster. Sure enough, one morning the farmer got up to feed the chickens, and there was old Brewster lying face up on the ground with buzzards circling overhead. The farmer sighed and said, “Ah, Brewster, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Brewster opened one eye slowly and said, “Shhh, I think one of ‘em’s about to land.”

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What sounds do Porkey..

sahil — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 10:59:38 +0000

What sounds do Porkey Pines make when they are kissing ? OUCH !!!!!! No related posts. Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin. No related posts. Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

A love story with a twist

sahil — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 09:47:49 +0000

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved myself to a position of dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us, and we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, Baaa, then re-joined the flock.

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The Farmer’s Prize Goat

sahil — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:49:49 +0000

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?”

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”

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The Blonde And The Cute Sheep

sahil — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:59:54 +0000

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?” The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, “Sure!”

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, “352.” This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.”

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”

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How to Clean a Cat

sahil — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:07:03 +0000

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

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The Farmer and his animals

sahil — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:09:03 +0000

One day a man decided to start a farm. So he walked down the road until he came to a farm and asked, “Do you have any chickens?”
The farmer replies “Yes, but we dont call them that around here. ‘Round here we call ‘em Pullets” He buys the “pullet”

So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks “Do you have and Roosters?”

The farmer replies, “Yes but around here we dont call them that.’Round here we call ‘em cocks.” So he buys the “cock”

So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks “Do you have any donkeys?”

The farmer replies “Yeah but we dont call ‘em that around here. ‘Round here we call ‘em asses.” So he buys the “ass” But just before he leaves the famrer says “Now treat that animal kindly. When it rolls over it means it wants to be scratched.”

So the farmer goes down the road and sees a woman walking down the road. His donkey suddenly rolls over. He slowly walked to the woman and said “Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”

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