Why does Kobe Bryant cry during sex?
Because mace stings like a bitch!
Oct
25
admin
25 Oct, 2005
Oct
25
Why do american girls wannna suck Polish boys?
Because every american girl wants to have a connection to the smart POLISH brain!
Oct
25
Q: Which is the odd one out – a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?
A: The TV because all the others leak when they’re fucked!
Oct
25
Q. IF you dial 911 backwards what will happen
A. The Police will come reversing
Oct
25
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to
bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a
discussion among them.
First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we
settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be
mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows,
but I aint’ givin’ him any of mine.”
Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine.
I’ll fight ’im till I run him off or kill ’im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY
COWS.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have
only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you
fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY
cows.”
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls
up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the
biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds,
each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the
breaking point.
First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt
I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for
our new friend.”
Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay
on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking
for argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him
have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I’m just making sure he
knows I’m a bull!”
Oct
25
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”
Oct
25
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%…wedding cake
Oct
25
Two whores were talking shop…
“Why is it,” asked Sharon, “that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?”
“Well, I’ll let you in on a little trick,” said Tracy. “What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he’s just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!”
“I’ll give that a try,” says Sharon.
She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.
“You’ve just broken my virginity!” said Sharon.
“Screw that,” said the punter. “My balls have just flown out of the window!”
Oct
25
One day the farmer saw his kid digging in the tool shed. He waited until the boy came out then asked him what he was doing. The boy had chicken wire in his hands, and replied “I’m going chicken hunting papa.
The farmer just thought his son was crazy. then the boy came back an hour later and had 2 chickens on the chicken wire.
The farmer was dumb founded.
Then the boy came out with duck tape. an hour later he came back with 3 ducks.
The Farmer was in amazment. then the boy came out with pussy willows. the farmer yelled “wait boy i’m comming with ya this time!”
Oct
25
O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.