You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.

If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.”

sahilRedneck Jokes30 Sep, 2010No Comments

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!”

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What�s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more

sahilLawyer Jokes30 Sep, 2010No Comments

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?” 10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.” 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 – “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)” 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

sahilComputer Jokes30 Sep, 2010No Comments

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

sahilBlonde Jokes30 Sep, 2010No Comments

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?”

“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

sahilBar Jokes30 Sep, 2010No Comments

A lawyer’s dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Definitely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

sahilLawyer Jokes29 Sep, 2010No Comments

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?” “They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?” “What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” “I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.” [pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” [muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.” [still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?” [clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?” “Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.” “I can’t.”

“No? Why not?” “Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?” “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?” “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!”

sahilComputer Jokes29 Sep, 2010No Comments

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.

She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

“That’s a nice flock of sheep.”, she said.

“Well thank you.”, said the herder. “Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.”, said the woman.

“Okay.”, replied the herder.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?”, asked the woman. “Sure.”, said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, “382″.

“Wow.”, said the herder. “That is exactly right.

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.”

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, “Okay, now I have a proposition for you”.

“What is it?”, queried the woman.

“If I can guess the real color of your hair… can I have my dog back?”

sahilBlonde Jokes29 Sep, 2010No Comments

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night.”

sahilBar Jokes29 Sep, 2010No Comments

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

sahilAnimal Jokes29 Sep, 2010No Comments