10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A
Computer…
The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.
“At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.”
“One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart,”
“I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.” Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. ”
“During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?”, asked the doctor. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. ”
“While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”
“I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY jelly.”
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it’s head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar.
“What county did you say you where from?” asked the first.
“Why, County Clare.” the second replied.
“Well, I’ll be damned! I’m from County Clare, too! What town?”
“Why, I’m from Ennis.”
“I’ll be damned! I’m from Ennis, too! What parish are you from?’
“Saint Francis.”
“Well, I’ll be damned! I belonged to Saint Francis’, too.”
“What street did you live on?”
“Why, Parnell Street.”
“I’ll be dammed. I lived on Parnell Street.”
“What was your mother’s maiden name?”
“Leahy.”
“I’ll be damned . . .”
After listening to all this, the man calls the barman over and says, “Sean, what’s with them two?”
“Not much,” he replied. “It’s just the Mulcahy twins drunk again!”
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’ ”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.”
The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest’s cage. “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” they say.
One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”
sahil
3 Nov, 2009