Jun
16
sahil
16 Jun, 2009
Jun
16
An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like ”Meeeeeeep”. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.
He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says ”Meeeeeeep” The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, ”Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!”
The alien obiously doesn’t understand and pokes the bartender again and says ”Meeeeeeeep”. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.
But, the Alien doesn’t have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, ”Well, if you don’t have a dick, how do you have sex?” The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says ”Meeeeeeep”
Jun
16
Jun
16
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Jun
16
Jun
15
“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
Jun
15
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
If you receive an email entitled “Fighting Canaries,” delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.
If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection…
Jun
15
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. “Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “what is 1 and 1?”
“Eleven,” she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
Jun
15
There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, ”excuse me sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, ”well yes I am how may I help you?” The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. ”I am a journalist” replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies ”Oh, Okay.” The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said ”Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind”, but what I really said was ”once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline.”
”Who the hell is Matt Kline?” replied the man.
”Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn’t make the cut,” said Armstrong.
”Okay” replied the man.
”Well one day I was the best man at Matt’s wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt’s wife say, ‘the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!”
Jun
15
One day a man decided to start a farm. So he walked down the road until he came to a farm and asked, “Do you have any chickens?”
The farmer replies “Yes, but we dont call them that around here. ‘Round here we call ‘em Pullets” He buys the “pullet”
So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks “Do you have and Roosters?”
The farmer replies, “Yes but around here we dont call them that.’Round here we call ‘em cocks.” So he buys the “cock”
So the farmer goes down the road and again finds a barn and asks “Do you have any donkeys?”
The farmer replies “Yeah but we dont call ‘em that around here. ‘Round here we call ‘em asses.” So he buys the “ass” But just before he leaves the famrer says “Now treat that animal kindly. When it rolls over it means it wants to be scratched.”
So the farmer goes down the road and sees a woman walking down the road. His donkey suddenly rolls over. He slowly walked to the woman and said “Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”