”I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!”
”Great trade!”
Mar
29
sahil
29 Mar, 2009
Mar
29
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Mar
29
We’ve all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the…. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers… “Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.” If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press….no one will answer any way.
Mar
29
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. So she went to the coke machine and put her money in, and a coke came out so she kept putting money in it, and since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her.Finally the man behind her said, ”Will you hurry up we’re all hot and thirsty!” And the blonde turned around and said, ”No way. I’m still winning.”
Mar
29
(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)
Dogs tags ring, are you listening’?
In the lane, snow is glistening’.
It’s yellow, not white — I’ve been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.
It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants;
“Avoid where I pee, it’s my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.”
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it’s mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
“Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.”
Mar
28
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
“Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!”
Mar
28
What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you’re dead.
Mar
28
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Mar
28
A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can’t tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”
Mar
28
Q: What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: It’s ass.