An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

sahilBar Jokes25 Feb, 2009No Comments

Q: How did the blonde try to kill her bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

sahilBlonde Jokes25 Feb, 2009No Comments

what is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum sucking bottom dewler and the other is a fish.

sahilLawyer Jokes25 Feb, 2009No Comments

Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It’s defective!”
Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)

****************

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

“Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this “yellow” construction paper?”

*******************

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the printer.”

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it! (YEE-HAW!)

*****************

Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No Carrier,’ on my screen. What’s wrong?”

*****************

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Soft-ware Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer:(proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it’?”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”

******************

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, “Leave me alone!”

They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”

The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

***************

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing “A:” and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn’t type the “dot over dot thingie” and that every time he tried to type the “dot over dot thingie” he kept getting the “dot over comma thingie” no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

*****************

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.” Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”

****************

Email from a friend: “CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?”

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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”
****************

sahilComputer Jokes25 Feb, 2009No Comments

One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.

He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. “Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!”

So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: “Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.”

So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. “Lion, lion,” cries the rabbit, “Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.”

The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.

“No!” the giraffe and the elephant cry. “Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!”

The lion replied, “Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin’ forest when he’s on speed!”

sahilAnimal Jokes25 Feb, 2009No Comments

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

sahilBar Jokes23 Feb, 2009No Comments

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial Intelligence.

sahilBlonde Jokes23 Feb, 2009No Comments

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

sahilLawyer Jokes23 Feb, 2009No Comments

Log on — Make the wood stove hotter
Log off — Don’t add no more wood

Monitor — Keep an eye on that wood stove

Download — Getting the firewood off the truck

Floppy disk — What you get from trying to carry too much firewood

Ram — The thing that splits the firewood

Hard drive — Getting home in the winter

Prompt — What the mail ain’t in the winter

Window — What to shut when it’s cold outside

Screen — What to shut in black fly season

Byte — What the black flies do

Bit — What the black flies did

Mega Byte — What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV

Micro Chip — What’s left in the bag after you eat the chips

Modem — What you did to the hay fields

Dot matrix — Old Dan Matrix’s wife

Lap top — Where the kitty sleeps

Software — The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds

Hardware — The real stainless steel cutlery.

Mouse — What eats grain in the barn

Main frame — What holds the barn up

Enter — City talk for – “come on in, eh?”

Web — What a spider makes

Web — Site The barn or the attic

Cursor — Someone who swears

Search Engine — What you do when the car dies

Screen Saver — A repair kit for the torn window screen

Home Page — A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field.

Upgrade — Steep hill.

Server — The person at the ABC that brings the food.

Mail Server — The guy at the ABC that brings the food.

MSDOS — Some new disease they discovered.

Sound Card — One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it.

User — The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.

Browser — What they call you when your eye brows grow together.

Network — When you have to repair your fishing net.

Internet — Complicated fish net repair method.

Netscape — When a fish maneuvers out of reach.

Online — When you get the laundry hung out on the washline.

Offline — The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

sahilComputer Jokes23 Feb, 2009No Comments

Once a very rich man and his dog were sailing at sea. Suddenly a very severe storm lashed at the boat and gale force winds tossed the fragile boat. After many days the sea dumped them both onto an uninhabited island. The boat was completely smashed . The deserted island was barren except for many bones, a freshwater lake, and some cats.
The man became extremely depressed as he realised that rescue from the remote island was not likely. He missed the life he had left behind. He kept remembering his grand mansion, the luxury cars, the exotic restaurants and all the partying.
In contrast to him, his dog was loving the life on the island. There were hundreds of bones to chew , nice cool freshwater to drink and even dozens of cats to chase.
The man, however, was feeling more and more down and was missing his previous fantastic life. Then after many years, just as things looked hopeless, their fortunes changed dramatically .While playing on the beach, the dog found a magic lamp and quickly took it to his master. With great joy the man vigorously rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out. After stretching himself the Genie spoke;
“I was trapped for three thousand years and thanks to the two of you I am finally free. As a gesture of my gratitude , I will grant ONE wish to each of you.”
The Genie went to the man first;
“What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you.”
The man, running around with joy said;
” What is there to think ! Send me back to my luxury mansion. My life will be back to normal. I can already think of a good restaurant to go for dinner. After that I will….”
As the man was talking there was a “POOF!” and he disappeared back to his previous life of luxury.
The Genie then went to the dog;
“What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you.”
Unlike the man, the dog thought a lot;
” I really can’t complain. There are plenty of bones to chew on and a lot of freshwater to drink. The cats are a joy to chase and the weather is great. I suppose the only thing is that this island is a bit lonely, specially after my master left. I wish he was here…”
“POOF!”
The man reappeared on the island and having granted the wishes, the Genie vanished.

Submitted by DogtoGod.com

sahilAnimal Jokes23 Feb, 2009No Comments