A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
“What’s going on here?”
“I don’t know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of “The Monster Mash”) I was working in the lab, late one night When my eyes beheld an eerie sight, Some smoke from our VAX began to rise And suddenly, to my surprise… [chorus] (There was a crash) There was a system crash (A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash (A system crash) It came down in a flash (There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room, Said: “I don’t want to be a prophet of doom, But we had one like this just the other day Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA” [chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through, When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too So we’d lost all our VAXes in less than one night When a VP came in and said: “hey, that’s all right, I’ll loan you a Venus – here’s what to do When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you… [chorus]
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn’t have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter “A” for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. “Is everything okay?”"Sure,” I said, “why? “Well, here’s your test,” he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. “Can you explain why you chose an ‘A’ for everything?”
Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be an ‘A’ student.”
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001″).
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again…..for no reason.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The brunette says, “Oh sure…..but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays to celebrate. Here’’s just a few of our favorites…
Seasonal Affective Disorder Day: January 2
With Christmas and New Years a thing of the past, now it’’s time to celebrate the long, cold, gray winter months that loom ahead.
The Day the Music Died Day: February 3
Write a sappy song about an important cultural tragedy that will annoy bar patrons for generations.
National Jingoism & Violence Day: February 4
Collect a group of two dozen or so well-trained men assigned to represent your city or region. Face off against another such group of well-trained men. Beat the living sh*t out of each other. (aka Superbowl Sunday)
Soy Bomb: February 25
Celebrate the “spontaneous explosion of the self” by dancing like an *sshole on live television.
Reverse Cowgirl Day: March 3
Honoring a woman’’s right to choose positions. (formerly Women’’s Suffrage Day)
Hale-Bopp Day: March 22
Remember 1997? Best year EVAR? Well, things won”t be that good until 4380, so your cult will have to wait for its next mass suicide.
International 420 Day: April 20
Dude!
Mission Accomplished Day: May 1
Celebrate the United States” quick and clean victory in Iraq.
Jim Belushi Day: June 15
Hire your brother to do something he’’s not qualified to do. (aka National Nepotism Day)
Mike Tyson Day: June 30
Threaten to eat someone’’s children while feasting on delicious elephant ear pastries.
Transfomers Day: July 4
Make your pilgrimage to the multiplex as Michael Bay rapes your fondest Saturday morning cartoon memories. Clutch your vintage Rodimus Prime toy while mumbling “You”ve Got the Touch.”
Los Alamos Day: July 16
Celebrate the first ever nuclear explosion near Alamogordo in 1945 by blowing some sh*t up. (aka Trinity Day, Oppenheimer Day, I Am Become Death Day)
Self-Love Day: July 26
Enjoy the company of the person you love best in the recesses of your favorite public place. May we suggest Barnes & Noble? (aka Paul Reubens Day, Pee Wee’’s Play Day)
Adult Swim Day: September 2
Skip work, get high and watch Space Ghost until you pass out.
National Accessory Day: September 14
In appreciation of the belt, the hat, the handbag and, most importantly, the scarf. It was on this day in 1927 that famed modern dancer Isadora Duncan’’s scarf sealed its importance in the annals of history by wrapping itself around the axel of a car and broke its owner’’s neck.
Seat Belt Remembrance Day: September 30
What better way to celebrate the life (and, more specifically, death) of legendary actore and motor enthusiast James Dean, than with a holiday remembering seat belts?
Ted Haggarda??s Gay Republican Day: November 1
Purchase recreational drugs from your favorite same-sex prostitute, but don”t pay for intercourse. That would be hypocritical.
Mutilated Nipple Day: November 4
Legend has it that this holiday originated way back in 2004 when actress Tara Reid bravely unleashed her mangled areola upon a pack of ravenous paparazzi and saved the world from something or other.
The Clinton/Lewinsky Blowjob Joke Appreciation Day: November 15
On this day, stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts around the nation celebrate the greatest gift that was ever given unto them.
Autoerotic Asphyxiation Day: November 22
Things to do today: fashion yourself a festive Asphyxophilia Noose, masturbate, listen to INXS’’s Kick twenty-two times on repeat. (aka Michael Hutchence Memorial Day)
Britney Beaver Day: November 27
Today, innocent girls all around the world flash their junk.
National Cruise Day: November 29
Fun activities: Plan a cruise with two of your favorite loved ones, get drunk, go for a swim when no one is looking. (aka What Really Happened to Natalie Wood Day)
Fingering the Starfruit Day: December 2
On this day in 1978, 150 pedophilic freedom fighters attended the first meeting of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (or NAMBLA).
Entropy Day: December 30
Holy sh*t! Did another f**king year come and go already?
sahil
9 Dec, 2008