Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
“Nice pigs, sir!”
“Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — they’re Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea.”
“Nice trade, sir!”
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
“What size?” asks the clerk.
“Gee, I don’t know.”
“Go see Sophie in aisle 4.” He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!” The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
“What size?” The kid embarassedly says “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size.” The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells “Clean up in aisle 4!”
The Chief Executive of an HMO died and was very relieved that he got into heaven. Of course, he had to check out after 48 hours…
Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital?
A: To have a cat-scan done.
How are a blonde’s legs like automatic doors?
You walk toward them and they open!
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
“Well,” said the chaffeur, “I’ve got a good idea. Why don’t I give the speech since I’ve heard it so many times?” So Albert’s chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn’t answer
“Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I’ll let my chauffeur answer it!”
This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday since her husband was at work and her 3 daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and tells him that she wants a talking parrot. The clerk tells her that they do have 1 talking parrot, but that she wouldn’t like him.
”Why not? ” She asks.
”Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colorful language, and you did say that you have a family,” he replied.
”Well, my girls are old enough and they’ve heard it all. Just let me see him.”
The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family.
When she uncovered the cage, ”Brawkk!” said the parrot, looking around. ”New place. New Madam. Morning Madam.”
”Uh, morning parrot,” she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters game down stairs, dressed and ready for school.
”Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls.”
”Morning Parrot,” they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe.
”Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!”
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: “God, if I don’t win the lotto, I will lose my business.” She didn’t win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I don’t win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.” Still, she didn’t win.
So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I don’t win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house.” Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, “Buy a ticket.”
sahil
31 Oct, 2008