The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court
would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return
the next day.

“What for?” the lawyer yelled at the judge.

The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer’s
rude treatment, roared, “Fifty dollars….and if you want
to know “Why?” for that, it’s for your contempt of court!!

Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge
relented. That’s all right. You don’t have to pay the fine
right now.”

The lawyer replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough to say
three more words.”

sahilLawyer Jokes15 Jul, 2008No Comments

Subject: Computer Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI System Can’t See It

DOS Defective Operating System

BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math

COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

And straight from the B-Files (as in Bateman)

PHONE – Peculiar Hum Offends Near Ear

ACD – All Calls Dropped

VRU – Vocabulary Restricted Utterances

PAGER – Personal Agitation Gyrations Entangle Recipient

EMAIL – Electronic Miscommunication And Insignificant Letters
… like this one

sahilComputer Jokes15 Jul, 2008No Comments

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and
said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man
said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours.” “Alright. How long do you need them?” The
customer paused for a minute and said, “Uh… I’d better go
check.”

After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, “A
long time. We’re gonna build a house.

sahilBlonde Jokes15 Jul, 2008No Comments

A guy walks into a bar … once inside, he realizes it’s a gay
bar, but he decides, “What the heck, I really want a drink.”

So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him,
“What’s the name of your penis?”

The guy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a
drink.”

The gay bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until
you tell me the name of your penis.”

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping
on
a beer and asks, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?” The
man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, “TIMEX.”

The guy asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it
takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping
on a fruity margarita, “So, what do you call your penis?” The
man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD,
because quality is Job 1″, he then adds, “Have you driven a Ford
lately?”

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender
and
exclaims, “The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, “Why secret?”

The guy says, “because it’s strong enough for a man but made for
a woman!”

sahilBar Jokes15 Jul, 2008No Comments

LIFE AS A FEMALE BEAR!

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat
yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake
up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy
legs and excess body fat.

I wanna be a bear.

sahilAnimal Jokes15 Jul, 2008No Comments

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his hunting rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s pecker off.”

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

sahilSports Jokes13 Jul, 2008No Comments

6 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.

Later they heard a knock on the door….

“Who is it???”,

The man who knocked replied, “Blind man”.

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room…. The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,

“Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??”

sahilReligious Jokes13 Jul, 2008No Comments

Mildred was very depressed when her husband died. She decided that she couldn’t go on in life without him and that she wanted to join him in heaven. Mildred wanted to shoot herself in the heart, guaranteeing death.

But she was afraid she might miss her heart and wind up a vegetable so she called the doctor for some information. “Doctor, where is the heart located?” asked Mildred.

The doctor answered, “Just below the left breast.”

A few hours later Mildred was emitted into emergancy with a gunshot wound to her knee!

sahilMarriage Jokes13 Jul, 2008No Comments

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts:

“Can’t you see I’m winning!”

sahilBlonde Jokes13 Jul, 2008No Comments

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked.

The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?”

The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…
Some things you just can’t explain.”

sahilBar Jokes13 Jul, 2008No Comments