Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet
to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it
has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately
by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter
increases
with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this
cannot
be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the
golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be
cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing
partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the
wrath
of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he
deems
himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its
desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to
man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way
it
works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest
point from
the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar
combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one
another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.”
Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to
miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always
be the
one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically
adjust
your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only
until
the sunset.

sahilLawyer Jokes17 Jul, 2008No Comments

~~~ You’re Hooked! ~~~

You know you’re addicted to the internet when…

Surfin’
* Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice
all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re
halfway through Lycos.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind…the perfect soundtrack
for “surfing the net”.
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
engines useless.

Staying Connected!
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or
phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.
* When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
* You have comandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net
and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Actually, you secretly distain them.
* Even though you died last week, you’ve managed to retain OPS
on your favorite IRC channel.
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.”
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP… because you never log off.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to
your IRC channel.
* Your modem isn’t working, and after a few minutes you begin to
sweat, your hands start to tremble…
* You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate
with your ISP
* You succeed.

Walk the Walk
* You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using
a word processor.com
* Even your night dreams are in HTML.
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though
you’ve never had heart problems before.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
* You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check
it again. There were 84 new ones …last hour.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your 1st instinct is: search for the “back” button.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom–and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html
* You actually tried that 123.elm.street address.
* You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape
4.0 or higher.”
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.
* When channel surfing the informercials, you grab a remote control
and double-click.

…and Talk the Talk
* You refer to going to the bathroom as “downloading.”
* You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net
dot au.”
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Serious Warning Signs!
* You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.
* You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap…
and your child in the overhead compartment.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
* Your son tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
games from Apogee.
* Your wife or husband says communication is important in a
marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second
phone line so the two of you can chat.
* You forget what year it is.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
* You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “You’ve
got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet.
* Your spouse’s new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
* You don’t know what gender over three of your closest friends
are because they have neutral nicknames.
* You email this message to your friends on the net. You think
about printing it out to show it to your others and… what
others?!?

sahilComputer Jokes17 Jul, 2008No Comments

Q. Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice container??
A. Because the carton said “CONCENTRATE” on it.

~~~ That’s my favorite song, too! ~~~

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer
starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute
before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the
ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her
handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the
tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and
announces “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real
basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure,
or lookup. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The Blonde bobs her head from side to side for about ten
seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying
“Mandy!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he
asks “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the blonde,” I was just running
through that song, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….’

sahilBlonde Jokes17 Jul, 2008No Comments

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head
hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife
standing over him shouting at him.

“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent
look.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

sahilBar Jokes17 Jul, 2008No Comments

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of
expensive imported panties. “After all, dear,” she said, “you
wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would
you?”

“No,” her husband replied. “Nor would I expect to find a gift
wrapping on a dead beaver.”

sahilAnimal Jokes17 Jul, 2008No Comments

Cigar Insurance – Supposedly True
———————————————————————-

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24
rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against… fire. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a
series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal
fashion. The man sued, and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a
policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were
insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it
would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it
considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and so, the company was
obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he had lost in “the fires.”

However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against
him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.

sahilLawyer Jokes16 Jul, 2008No Comments

ENGINEERING DEFINITIONS…WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN!!!

Major Technological Breakthrough = Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research = It was discovered by
accident.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen
difficulties = We are working on something else.

The designs are well within allowable limits = We just made it,
stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured = We are so far behind
schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all
from us.

Close project coordination = We should have asked someone else; or,
let’s spread the responsibility for this.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period = We haven’t
started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried. We don’t know where
we’re going, but we’re moving. = It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem =
We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive = The darn thing blew
up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned = The only guy who
understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties = We
threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

sahilComputer Jokes16 Jul, 2008No Comments

The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of “yes/no” type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is
seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something
is wrong?

“I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my
answers…”

sahilBlonde Jokes16 Jul, 2008No Comments

NEW MIXED DRINKS CONTEST WINNERS
With no further ado, here the names are, in alphabetical
order. Which one do you think was THE winner?

Absolut Zero………….Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat….Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris……..Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath…………Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith…………..Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot……………Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful………….Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon…………….Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler………..White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base………Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush…………..George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev…………….Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes……Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette………Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer……………Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins………….Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar,
decorated with a paper umbrella
Mexican Hairless………Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole……………Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary….Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips’ Screwdriver….Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm……….Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor………….Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View……..Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey…Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey’s Irish Cream
Sake-to-me……………Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm……….Dewar’s and Mescal
Shipwreck…………….Cutty Sark on the rocks
Shirley MacLaine………Sugar, carbonated water, ginger, syrup,
and pomegranate (what ginger ale and grenadine were
in a previous life)
Short Wave……………Ripple in a shot glass
Sinead O’Connor……….Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe……………..Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut……………Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver…………Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird……Jose Cuervo and birdseed
Three Men and a Baby…..Jim Beam, Jack Daniel’s, Johnny Walker, and Enfamil
Three Mile Island……..Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium

sahilBar Jokes16 Jul, 2008No Comments

Why did the chicken cross the road?

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road!” And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross the road
before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I
repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

BILL CLINTON: We categorically deny the chicken did cross the
road and any allegations to the contrary by the
right-wing extremeists should be postponed until
I am out of office.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck
was this chicken doing walking around all over
the place, anyway?”

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed = the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not Why did the chicken cross
the
road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same
time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black
man.
The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and
keep
him down!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road,
and
that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive
there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

sahilAnimal Jokes16 Jul, 2008No Comments